


There Ain't No Cure For Love

by fiddleyoumust



Series: Putting Out the Lantern [1]
Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-28
Updated: 2010-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-14 04:12:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiddleyoumust/pseuds/fiddleyoumust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer and Brendon fall awkwardly in love before Pete signs Panic, but Brendon's upbringing and his religious conflicts make it hard for him to adjust. While Brendon struggles with growing up and trying to figure out what's right for him, Spencer tries to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Ain't No Cure For Love

"This is Brendon," Brent says, and Spencer stands up and holds out his hand. Brendon shakes it enthusiastically, his eyes flicking around Spencer's garage.

Brendon is tiny and kind of dorky, with hair that sticks up everywhere, and Spencer can't help but smile at him. When Brendon finally gets done checking out Spencer's garage, he looks at Spencer and smiles back.

Brendon says, "Hey, wow. You have a really pretty smile."

That's when Spencer figures out that he might have a problem.

 

So, Brendon has this smile, and Spencer's maybe a little bit addicted to bringing it out. Spencer always tells him stupid jokes, or makes sure he compliments Brendon on his playing. Sometimes, when it wouldn't be an outright lie, he even tells Brendon his outfit is cool.

"You play this part," Ryan says seriously.

Brendon grunts and says, "I like the other part better."

"Right," Ryan says, and Spencer can tell he's about to get his bitch on. "But I wrote it and that's _my_ part, so you're going to play this part," Ryan says, pointing to the sheet music.

Brendon says, "Fine, whatever."

"Hey guys," Spencer says, interrupting. "How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?" Spencer asks.

Brendon smiles like he knows Spencer's trying to distract Ryan, and Ryan glares because he knows for sure. Spencer says, "Twelve, one to change the bulb and eleven to say they could have done it better."

Brendon laughs, just like Spencer hoped he would, and Ryan crosses his arms over his chest and glares harder. "What?" Spencer says innocently.

"You're supposed to be _my_ best friend," Ryan says.

"I am," Spencer says, and he knows he should feel guilty, but Brendon is still smiling, and he just can't.

So yeah, the smile sort of does ridiculous things to Spencer's insides, and he's not sure if he likes it or not, which would explain why he keeps experimenting with it. Eventually, he's sure he'll come to some kind of conclusion.

 

Brendon comes over early sometimes. They practice from five to seven, but school lets out at three, and at least three times a week, Brendon is at Spencer's house by three-thirty.

The first time Brendon shows up, Spencer shrugs his shoulders and they go up to Spencer's room to play video games. It somehow becomes a regular thing, and Spencer finds himself looking forward to it now.

Brendon's really good at Smash Brothers, and Spencer's not used to getting his ass kicked, since Ryan is his usual competition. Ryan is hopeless at everything except the guitar.

"I'm thirsty," Brendon says, and Spencer gets up and gets them some Capri Suns, which Spencer insisted his mom start buying when he found out Brendon liked them.

Brendon says, "Thanks," when Spencer gets back, and they play some more.

Ten minutes later, Brendon makes slurping noises with his container. Spencer shoots him a look that clearly conveys how disgusting it sounds, but Brendon smiles around his straw and tries to look innocent.

"That's gross," Spencer says, setting his controller down so he can make a grab for Brendon's empty Capri Sun. Brendon laughs and ducks his head and continues to slurp loudly until Spencer has him half pinned to the bed.

He rips the container from Brendon's hand and Brendon is smiling up at him, his mouth and lips red, and Spencer's not really thinking. Or, well, he _is_ ; he's thinking he really, really wants to know what Capri Sun tastes like on Brendon's mouth, and before he gives it much more consideration than that, he leans down and kisses him.

Brendon doesn't struggle or freak out or push at Spencer, but he doesn't kiss him back, either. He lies there, still, lips parted slightly, and Spencer presses closer, kisses him a little harder, and wishes, wishes, wishes that Brendon would open his mouth and kiss him back. Spencer makes a needy noise in the back of his throat, and it's only then that Brendon moves, lays his hand on the side of Spencer's neck gently, and moves his fingers softly against the skin there.

"Spencer," Brendon finally says against Spencer's lips.

Spencer pulls back and looks at Brendon's face. He doesn't see anything there, which is frustrating in and of itself, because Brendon always shows everything he's feeling on his face. "Sorry, sorry," Spencer says, because he just basically _attacked_ Brendon's face, and if Brendon's lack of reaction is anything to go by, he wasn't that into it.

"No, it's okay," Brendon says, his fingers still moving soothingly on Spencer's neck. "I just... we should probably go downstairs. It's almost five."

Spencer sits up and nods.

 

The following week, Ryan comes into practice with a head cold, and the entire band cringes through the first song.

"Okay, guys. I can't do this today," Ryan says.

Brendon says, "I could take it for today. You know, just to get through practice."

Ryan waves his hand and says, "Yeah, sure. Anything has to be better than this."

It turns out that not only is Brendon proficient on the guitar, and more than decent at the piano, but he can apparently sing his heart out, too.

"Why didn't you say so?" Ryan says, and he'd probably be screeching if he were capable of doing so, as it is, he just sounds...earnest, with an edge of something scarier due to his severe congestion.

Brendon looks like he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I... You..." he says, and Spencer pats his shoulder and glares at Ryan as hard as he can.

"We brought him on to play guitar, Ryan," Spencer says, and Ryan rolls his eyes toward the ceiling with an expression that clearly says he wishes he weren't surrounded by idiots.

"Well fuck, Spencer, everyone knows _I_ can't sing."

Spencer can't really argue; Ryan's pretty terrible. But it turns out that Brendon's not, and after they practice a couple of songs Spencer's heart trips crazy and wild in his chest, because maybe, just maybe, they might actually be going somewhere now.

 

Brendon is stupidly hot when he sings. There's just something about the way he walks up to his mic, his face wide open, his voice strong and sure and _right_.

It gets even better when Spencer's mom comes in to listen, or when Spencer's sisters and all their little girlfriends from around the block decide to crash practice. Whenever he's got an audience, Brendon struts, and paces and pierces everyone who's watching with soulful eyes, and Spencer sometimes wishes he could lay down his sticks and walk around and watch Brendon perform. He wishes it could just be the two of them and that Brendon would pin him with _that_ look, and sing him a song.

As it is, Spencer has to make do with the times Brendon throws a look over his shoulder and smiles.

 

Brendon doesn't drive, and it's a pretty far bus ride to his house from Spencer's, so Spencer's gotten in the habit of borrowing his mom's car to take him home.

"That was pretty fucking amazing," Spencer says. Brendon shrugs his shoulders and looks out the window, and it's probably the stillest Spencer's ever seen him. "Is everything okay?" Spencer asks, and Brendon nods his head and then says, "No. No. Can you maybe pull over?"

There's a Wal-Mart half a block up, and Spencer pulls the car over and parks out on the edge of the lot where the cars are sparse. "Bren?" Spencer says softly.

Brendon turns in his seat and stares at Spencer forever, and finally he says, "I want you to kiss me."

Spencer's stomach flutters hard, because he's maybe lain in bed at night and fantasized about this, what it would be like to kiss Brendon and have him actually want it; to have Brendon kiss him back.

Brendon is still sitting, holding his breath, looking like he's waiting for Spencer to freak out, or get out of the car, or maybe yell at him, or hit him, or _something_ , and he only relaxes when Spencer says, "Yeah, okay. Come here."

Brendon leans in and Spencer leans in and their mouths brush together, barely touching, and Spencer wants more, but he waits for Brendon to tell him it's okay. Brendon inhales sharply and Spencer takes that as permission, and flicks his tongue out lightly, gently, against Brendon's bottom lip. His lips are chapped, dry, and Spencer can almost taste the warmth of Brendon's mouth, but Brendon is already rigid, strung tight, and Spencer doesn't want to scare him.

He trails his fingers gently up the curve of Brendon's neck, and it's like flipping a switch. Brendon is suddenly malleable, soft in Spencer's hands, and Spencer takes advantage and licks at the inside of Brendon's mouth.

It's better than the fantasies. It's better than anything Spencer's ever done -- better than _drumming_ \-- and Spencer's heart is beating so loudly that he can barely hear the soft sounds Brendon's making against his mouth.

They kiss forever, for a long time, until both of their mouths are raw and swollen. Brendon's fingers are curled tight in Spencer's shirt, stiff at the knuckles, and finally Spencer pulls away. "Bren," he says softly, and Brendon's eyes flutter open, his pupils so dilated that his entire eye looks black. "We should get you home."

Brendon nods, looks dazed and sweet, and Spencer can't help himself. He leans back in and kisses him again.

They drive to Brendon's neighborhood in silence, and Brendon makes him pull over to the curb a few houses away. He leans over and kisses Spencer hard on the mouth before he jumps out of the car and runs up the sidewalk.

 

The band gets better. Ryan insists on longer practices, and they all work hard, sometimes forsaking schoolwork for rhythms and beats.

"I can't come tomorrow," Brendon says at the end of a particularly grueling practice.

Ryan glares and opens his mouth, but Spencer cuts him off. "Why, what's up?" he asks.

Brendon shrugs and taps his foot nervously. "I failed two tests last week, and my parents are coming down on me pretty hard. I need to spend some time at home."

Spencer nods, but Ryan stands up, fists clenched tight at his sides. "This isn't just some pastime for me, Urie. I'm not quitting until I make something of this band, and I need my lead singer to be on the same page, so if this isn't what you want to do, say it now."

"Ryan," Spencer hisses.

Brendon stands up, too, and his whole body is shaking like a leaf on a windy day. "Not everyone has the luxury of not caring if their parents hate them," he snarls.

Ryan flinches like Brendon's slapped him, and Spencer stands up then, gets between them before either of them can say anything else. "Both of you stop it," Spencer says, giving both of them a look that clearly conveys he will kill them both with his bare hands and dispose of the bodies where they'll never be found.

Brendon takes a step back, and Ryan looks at Spencer like he's just stuck a knife in his back.

"I want to go home," Brendon says, quietly, almost inaudible, and Ryan looks at Spencer, like he's daring him to leave with Brendon.

Brent finally speaks up from his spot on the couch, says, "I can take you. I'm heading out anyway."

Brendon looks at Spencer for a long time, and finally he says, "Yeah. Okay. Let's go."

 

Brendon shows up for practice the next day at five o'clock on the dot, and when Ryan looks up from his guitar Brendon says, "Are we practicing, or what?"

Ryan nods, and they play for two hours.

Spencer gets up after they're done and grabs his mother's keys from the entry table in the hall, but when he gets back out to the garage, Brent and Brendon are already gone.

"Brent took him home," Ryan says, still fiddling with his guitar.

Spencer's stomach curls with disappointment, but he does his best to swallow it down. Ryan is packing his stuff up slowly, and Spencer suddenly doesn't want to be alone. "It's Friday," he says to Ryan. "Are you staying over?"

Ryan stops packing and sends Spencer a smile before he says, "Sure, why not."

 

Brent calls Spencer on Sunday. Brent's a nice guy, sweet, but kind of boring. Spencer likes him because he's easy; with Ryan Ross for a best friend, easy is sometimes a really nice change of pace.

"Hey," Spencer says, because they're friends, but they're the type of friends who hang out for two hours every weekday and play music together and maybe say hello to each other in the hallway at school, and that's about it. They're not the kind of friends who call each other up on a Sunday just to chit-chat.

"Hey," Brent says. It's quiet for a minute, and Spencer feels awkward, like maybe he should be making small talk, and he's just about to say something about the weather before he remembers that Brent called him, so Spencer feels somewhat justified in his silence. It's like an unspoken rule of phone etiquette that the person who calls is obligated to carry the load of the conversation.

Spencer waits and finally Brent says, "So. I think maybe you should talk to Brendon."

 

Spencer and Brent make a plan. Brent leaves early on Monday for a completely made-up family obligation that he claims he couldn't get out of. Ryan bitches, because Spencer and Brent both decided it would be easier not to tell him and more realistic if he acted like a prissy bitch about Brent leaving early.

Brendon looks a little panicked when Brent gets up to go, and he fidgets behind his mic stand nervously, and then walks over and picks up Brent's bass and puts the strap over his head. Spencer thinks it looks almost like he's using it as a shield, and he frowns and thinks about saying something to try and calm Brendon's nerves, but before he can, Ryan says, "Can you handle his parts for the rest of practice?"

Brendon nods and they start playing again. Eventually, seven o'clock rolls around, and Brendon goes to get his backpack.

"I'll take you," Spencer says.

Brendon blinks twice, says, "No... It's..."

"I'll take you," Spencer says again, more firmly, and Brendon just nods.

They drive for five minutes before Brendon says, "I... Take the next exit, okay?"

"Sure," Spencer says. "Where are we going?" Spencer's been to Brendon's parents' house a million times, and this isn't the way.

"My parents..." Brendon says, and then he sighs and stares out the window.

This is the part of Brendon that Spencer doesn't know what to do with, the tentative, quiet part. He likes Brendon best when he's laughing and smiling and talking a mile a minute about things absolutely no one but Brendon cares about. He likes Brendon when he's playing guitar, or when he gets a verse right and Ryan smiles at him. He likes Brendon when he's playing video games or eating candy or telling a story about how his sister used to dress him and his brothers up like girls. He likes Brendon in all his various incarnations, but this silent, withdrawn Brendon makes him nervous in a way he can't really explain.

Spencer pulls the car over on the side of the freeway and puts his hazard lights on. They're bright orange in the dark, and Spencer watches the color play over Brendon's cheekbones.

Brendon is still staring out the window when he says, "I guess Brent told you my parents kicked me out."

Spencer's stomach twists, nauseous, because Brent didn't; he just told Spencer to talk to Brendon without letting on about how bad it was.

"Brendon," Spencer says softly. "You could... I can ask my mom if you can..."

"No," Brendon says. "My sister helped me get a place."

 

"Oh," Spencer says. "It wasn't because you came to practice the other day, was it?"

Brendon looks away guiltily. "A while back, I got caught smoking pot at school and my parents were...pissed. To put it mildly."

Spencer reaches across the car and takes Brendon's hand. Brendon drags in a shaky breath and says, "So I was pissed about fighting with Ryan, and I just wanted to relax a little, and my mom found me out back, and she flipped out. She and my dad yelled at each other, and then she yelled at me, and then they basically said that I could quit the band and get serious about school, or I could get out."

Brendon rubs at his eyes with his free hand and shrugs his shoulders, and they sit silently for a while more. Then Spencer turns off his hazard lights and pulls back onto the freeway. Brendon tells him where to get off and where to turn and eventually they arrive in front of a small, run-down apartment complex. It looks pretty scary to Spencer, but Spencer will happily admit that he's lived his life safely tucked away in middle-class suburbia.

"Do you wanna come up?" Brendon asks. Spencer swallows and looks at Brendon and Brendon looks back and then he says, "Just to hang out. I don't really feel like being alone."

Spencer nods and undoes his seatbelt.

 

"So Pete Wentz just emailed me," Ryan says.

Spencer blinks and blinks, and Ryan smiles and laughs. Ryan _laughs_ , and it's so beautiful that Spencer laughs too.

 

"I can't go. My parents have a Christmas party or something, and I have to watch my sisters," Spencer says.

Ryan is pouting, and Brendon and Brent are looking like they're both about to witness the apocalypse.

"I need you there, Spence," Ryan says, and Spencer feels like scum, like the worst person on earth, but still he _can't_.

Spencer tried everything to get out of it, but his mother wouldn't budge. Spencer understands, because his mother loves him, but he knows, deep in her heart, she's hoping he'll grow out of this whole "musician" thing and go to college like every other kid on their block.

"I'm sorry. I can't, Ryan." Spencer says.

"We can record him and play it back while we play live," Brendon says, looking tentatively at Ryan with a hopeful half-smile.

Spencer smiles at him, feels his chest getting less and less tight. "Yeah, that could work."

Ryan still looks mutinous, and he twists his mouth, half pout, half snarl and says, "Sure, whatever. We'll just audition for Pete Wentz without a drummer."

Spencer looks at Brendon and Brendon rolls his eyes dramatically. Spencer can't help but snicker a little, and when Ryan glares at him again, Brendon starts laughing too.

"I hate you both," Ryan says.

 

They get signed, but Brendon and Spencer and Brent are all still in school. Spencer's parents give him permission to graduate early, even though he can tell they're worried.

Brendon's don't, and even though he's out of their house, he's still a minor.

"I feel like I'm holding everyone up," Brendon says as they put away groceries in Brendon's tiny kitchen. Spencer gives Brendon a lift to the store once a week, and watches, wide-eyed, as Brendon fills a hand basket up with Pop Tarts and mac-n-cheese.

"Graduating is important," Spencer says, and then he winces, because he knows he totally sounds like his mother.

Brendon laughs and takes a bite out of an uncooked Pop Tart. He's leaning against the counter and his jaw is moving up and down as he chews. He's got his ankles crossed and he doesn't really look happy, but he looks good. Spencer's belly curls with want, and it must show on his face, because Brendon stops smiling and swallows hard before he says, "Spencer?"

Spencer takes three steps forward, and then he's pressed against Brendon. He pins him to the counter with his hands on Brendon's hips and takes two deep breaths.

Brendon is breathing hard, too, and Spencer thinks that maybe this will be enough, maybe just touching him, feeling him, will be enough to take the immediate edge off, but then Brendon tilts his chin up and looks at him, and all of Spencer's willpower leaves him with his next breath.

Brendon's breath is hot against Spencer's jaw, his eyes fluttering, his lashes dark against his cheeks, and Spencer leans in a fraction of an inch and kisses his mouth.

Brendon opens right up this time, and Spencer makes an embarrassing noise and kisses him harder, licking inside his mouth until he feels like he's explored every inch of it. Brendon's tongue is hot against his, his teeth slick, and Spencer feels like he'd be perfectly fine with doing this for the rest of his life.

Brendon lifts his hands, and Spencer can feel them hovering at his shoulders for a second before his fingers find their way into Spencer's hair. Spencer moans, digs his fingers into Brendon's hips and then boosts him onto the counter top so he has better access to Brendon's mouth.

Eventually, Spencer has to stop kissing Brendon long enough to take a couple of deep breaths, and that's when Brendon kisses down Spencer's jaw and sucks hard against the skin of Spencer's neck.

It's the first time Brendon's initiated any kind of contact, and Spencer presses his hips hard where he's cradled against the V of Brendon's body and comes messy and half-embarrassed in his pants.

Brendon sucks on his neck harder, scrapes his teeth across the sensitive skin, and scratches his nails soothingly along Spencer's scalp.

It takes a few minutes of heavy breathing for Spencer to come back to himself, and it's only then that he can pay attention to the hard press of Brendon's cock against his hip. He tries to work his hand between their bodies, but when he cups Brendon through his jeans, Brendon tenses against him.

"Let me," Spencer says, kissing Brendon lightly on the mouth.

Brendon bites his bottom lip hard and closes his eyes and says, "Maybe you could just kiss me again. I like the kissing."

He looks shy and scared, and his cheeks have this pretty blush to them, and he's breathing hard against Spencer's face, breath warm and smelling like cherry Pop Tart. Spencer wants to see him smile, wants him happy and sated, and he knows he could push and show Brendon how amazing it could be, but he's scared he'll push too hard, and Brendon will run away. More than anything, he wants the opportunity to do this again. More than anything, he wants Brendon to stay.

He takes his hand off Brendon's cock, and leans in to kiss him breathless.

 

They start writing in earnest, because they're definitely going to need more than two or three songs if they're going to record an album. Ryan and Brendon start spending more and more time with their heads together, and sometimes, Spencer and Brent spend entire practices playing Spencer's Playstation, while Ryan and Brendon work on lyrics. It's not like Spencer's worried or jealous, because Ryan is mostly straight and finds Brendon pretty annoying most of the time. He knows it's all about the music by the way Ryan's eyes light up when Brendon sings something particularly well. Spencer remembers the look Ryan got in his eyes the first time they played their instruments together back when they were shiny new Christmas presents, and the band was just some faraway dream that Ryan talked about like someone else would talk about a wish they made on a star.

Ryan doesn't love anything so much as he loves music, and Spencer understands that Brendon was kind of like an answer to that wish. Without Brendon, they wouldn't have gotten signed, so he does his best to tamp down on his jealousy.

When that doesn't work, he follows Brendon into the bathroom and pins him against the sink and kisses him until both their mouths are fat and bruised.

 

Brendon turns eighteen in April. Spencer calls him all day, and when he doesn't get an answer, he shows up on Brendon's door step with two cupcakes, a large pepperoni pizza and a single candle.

Brendon's eyes are red-rimmed when he answers the door, but he smiles at Spencer when he sees the cupcakes.

"Are they chocolate?" he asks.

Spencer says, "Of course they are."

They eat on the floor, and ten minutes before midnight Spencer digs out a lighter and hands Brendon his cupcake. He lights the candle, and Brendon holds it in his hands for a full minute until Spencer says, "Make a wish."

Brendon closes his eyes and blows it out. They eat quietly, and then Brendon crawls across the floor and into Spencer lap, and they kiss and kiss and Brendon tastes like chocolate and icing. Spencer's skin feels like it's on fire and he fucks his tongue into Brendon's mouth to try and soothe the burn.

"I want to touch you," he whispers, and Brendon shivers against him, nodding his head against the crook of Spencer's neck.

Spencer pulls Brendon's shirt off, spreads him out on the floor and lays kisses down his chest and on his stomach until Brendon has half a dozen red marks shaped like Spencer's mouth on his skin.

Brendon throws his head back, and he's breathing hard when Spencer undoes his jeans. Then Spencer wraps his hand around Brendon's cock, gently, slowly, and Brendon bites his bottom lip and makes all these amazing noises.

It doesn't take long, because they're both young and horny and pretty much always ready to go, and Brendon comes messy and sudden over Spencer's hand and his own stomach.

Brendon lays boneless, like a wrecked ship on the carpet and Spencer slides back up his body and kisses his chin and then his lips.

After a few minutes, Brendon moves his hand to Spencer's jeans, and Spencer grabs him by the wrist and twines their fingers together. Brendon quirks his eyebrow, and Spencer says, "It'll keep."

Brendon leans over and kisses him, and Spencer says, "Happy Birthday, Brendon."

 

Ryan likes to watch really pretentious films with subtitles, or at least Academy Award nominations, but sometimes, Spencer would really just like to sit down and watch things get blown up. Fortunately, Brendon enjoys watching things get blown up, too, and since Spencer is also a big fan of Brendon enjoying things, it sort of becomes his and Brendon's thing on the weekends: Brendon works the morning shift at the Smoothie Hut, and afterward, Spencer picks him up and they go see the biggest, loudest, most pyrotechnic-packed movie they can find.

"I want to see the new Star Wars," Brendon says.

Spencer wrinkles his nose, because the new ones have all pretty much sucked ass, but it also feels like he's invested now too, since he's seen the first two. "Alright," he says.

They buy the tickets and Spencer gets a large popcorn with extra butter and Brendon gets Milk Duds. "I want Mr. Pibb," Brendon says.

Spencer shrugs and says, "Dr. Pepper is better."

Brendon looks horrified. "No way, Spencer Smith, Pibb whips Dr. Pepper's ass. It has ten times the sugar."

Spencer rolls his eyes and orders Brendon's Mr. Pibb. "You know, more sugar is probably not the greatest selling point."

Brendon wrinkles his brow like he's legitimately confused. "It's like you don't know me at all," he says, and Spencer laughs.

The movie is, as expected, kind of lame. But, Brendon lets Spencer hold his hand through most of it and Spencer's pretty sure he'd have made out with him too if the theater hadn't been so packed.

"Well," Spencer says once they're back in Spencer's car. "That was predictably stupid."

"I don't know," Brendon says. "It's like a warning I guess. It's what can happen when we want things we shouldn't want."

Spencer raises his eyebrow and says, "We get melted in a vat of hot lava and turned into a part man, part machine monster?"

Brendon smiles, but he says, "You know what I mean."

There are always parts of Brendon that Spencer feels like he can't reach, but they've been okay lately. Things have been good, and Spencer doesn't like this feeling he sometimes gets, like for every step they take forward, Brendon is taking two back.

"No," Spencer says. "I really don't."

Brendon looks away guiltily and says, "Never mind."

Spencer grips his steering wheel tight and wonders if he should push until Brendon says, "I liked the light saber fight at the end. That was pretty bad ass."

Spencer looks at Brendon and Brendon looks back, his eyes silently pleading, and Spencer's always had a hard time denying Brendon anything, so he lets it go. "I don't know," he says. "I think I liked the one from the last movie better. Yoda kicks ass."

Brendon smiles and says, "Yeah, Yoda kicks so much ass."

 

Spencer graduates by correspondence in May. Brendon graduates, too, but between the band, and his job, and Spencer, school wasn't exactly high on his list of priorities, so he barely makes it, finishing his required credits by the skin of his teeth.

He decides not to walk the stage, even after Ryan, who at a whole year older than Brendon feels like he's acquired all this excess knowledge, tells him that it's a rite of passage.

"It'll just be a bunch of lame assholes that always made fun of me, anyway," Brendon says.

Spencer is curled up around Brendon on Brendon's crappy mattress, watching Lord of the Rings on a TV and DVD player that Brendon's sister gave him.

Spencer rubs his fingers through Brendon's hair and says, "Yeah."

Brendon doesn't say anything else, but Spencer knows that Brendon's parents aren't going to be there, and they're really the only reason Brendon would have done it anyway. It's the same reason he didn't just get his GED after they kicked him out. Deep down, Spencer knows Brendon's still waiting for them to forgive him.

Spencer pulls Brendon closer and kisses his cheek.

 

Spencer can't stop thinking about Brendon and Brendon's parents and how basically Brendon has screwed his entire life up to be in the band, and he doesn't really know how to fix it, or even if he can, but he wants to try. He really just wants to do something nice for Brendon, something that'll make him smile.

He pulls out every penny he has in his savings account and takes Brendon out to dinner to celebrate Brendon's graduation and the band and the record deal and the fact that Spencer's pretty sure he's kind of crazy in love with Brendon. They eat steak, and drink Dr Pepper, and order three desserts, which they share and eat in their entirety. Afterward, they walk to Spencer's car together and Brendon grabs Spencer's hand when they cross the parking lot. They get in the car, and Spencer takes a left out of the parking lot when a right would take them back to Brendon's apartment.

"Where are we going now?" Brendon asks. He's smiling over at Spencer, and he has his hand splayed out over his full belly, and he looks relaxed and happy, and Spencer wants to keep him that way.

Spencer's palms are sweating when he says, "I rented a hotel room."

Brendon's eyes get wide, panicked and he swallows and says, whisper-low, "Spencer."

"I don't... We don't have to do anything," Spencer says earnestly. "I just... It's a nice hotel. We can just go and watch cable and sleep on a bed with an actual frame and headboard. It doesn't have to be a big deal."

Brendon lets out a breath and swallows and nods, and they drive the rest of the way in silence.

Spencer's hands are shaking when he tries to slide the key card into the door, and he keeps getting the stupid red light until finally, on his fifth try, Brendon takes the key from his hand, slides it in and gets the green light. Spencer doesn't want to think too hard about what that means.

Once they're inside, Brendon turns around and pulls Spencer's head down a couple of inches and kisses him on the mouth.

Spencer settles his hands on Brendon's hips, slides them up under the hem of Brendon's shirt and splays his hands, warm and tentative, on Brendon's back. Brendon shivers, his skin and muscle moving smoothly under Spencer's hands.

Spencer lets Brendon set the pace, the mood, and Brendon kisses him slow and smooth, like they're both drunk on the taste of each other's mouths alone. Spencer feels like he's sinking; his heart is beating hard in his throat and chest, and Brendon is kissing him along his jaw and down his neck to his collarbone, his fingers moving slow and stupid on Spencer's button-down shirt.

It's all pretty hazy, and Spencer wants to touch every inch of Brendon's skin until there isn't any place on Brendon's body where he won't be feeling Spencer later.

Spencer has lube and condoms -- he didn't want to assume, but he had hoped -- and he prays that Brendon doesn't get the wrong idea when he stops kissing him long enough to go fetch the paper bag he brought up before he picked up Brendon for dinner.

When he turns back around, Brendon has tossed his shirt aside and is working on unbuttoning his pants, and Spencer watches him as he slides them over his hip bones, toeing off his shoes as he drops his pants to the floor and steps out of them.

Spencer tosses the bag back on the bed and walks over to Brendon and kisses him again. Brendon wraps his hands around the back of Spencer's neck and they move together, Brendon walking backwards until the backs of his thighs hit the bed, and then Spencer presses him back until he's laid out, his legs hanging over the edge at his knees. Spencer hooks his fingers in Brendon's briefs and pulls, but doesn't ever take his eyes off Brendon's, just in case Brendon wants to stop and he doesn't know how to say so.

Brendon closes his eyes, and Spencer falls to his knees between Brendon's legs. He's never done this, and he's nervous. He's gotten head before, from some of Ryan's MySpace friends and from the girl he took to his Junior Prom, so he's not completely clueless about how it works, but he's never been on this end of it. And Brendon hasn't let them move much past rubbing against each other and the occasional handjob, but he's letting him now, and Spencer really, really doesn't want to fuck this up.

He kisses the side of Brendon's knee and then watches, fascinated, as the muscles in Brendon's stomach jump. He does it again, a little higher, and noses along Brendon's thigh, mapping out a path with lips and teeth. Brendon's thigh is milky white and firm, and the closer Spencer gets to Brendon's cock, the better he smells, like Brendon, but different, more. Brendon is hard and leaking against his stomach and Spencer closes his eyes and shudders, a little awestruck that he's the cause of it.

He wraps his hand around the base of Brendon's cock, and Brendon makes a noise in the back of his throat that Spencer interprets as approval. He licks experimentally at the head, and Brendon moans.

The taste isn't bad exactly, a little salty, but underneath that, Spencer is acutely aware that it's _Brendon_ , and that makes it good somehow. Spencer takes Brendon all the way into his mouth as far as he can, and hums his approval when Brendon twists his fingers in Spencer's hair and bucks his hips up erratically.

It doesn't take long, five minutes maybe, and then Brendon is saying Spencer's name, breathy and frantic, but Spencer doesn't pull off, just sucks harder until Brendon comes in his mouth. It's messy, and Spencer can't swallow it all; some of it slides out along his chin, but he doesn't care.

Brendon is still breathing hard, sweat lightly coating his body, and Spencer makes quick work of his own clothes, and then crawls up the bed, kissing lightly at Brendon's hip, belly button, chest, and clavicle until Brendon's eyes flutter open and Spencer kisses him on the mouth.

"Hey," Spencer says, and Brendon smiles and leans up to kiss at Spencer's mouth again.

"Hi," Brendon says.

They stay like that for awhile, just touching and kissing and breathing into each other's mouths, until Brendon's fingers eventually find their way around Spencer's cock. "I could try and blow you," Brendon says quietly.

Spencer shivers and closes his eyes tight, because he thinks he could actually come from this, Brendon's voice, and Brendon's hand, loose around his cock. "Okay," Spencer says.

Brendon hesitates for a minute and then kisses Spencer hard before he says, "Or, you could fuck me if you want to."

Spencer stops breathing for a second, all the air rushing from his lungs suddenly, and he kind of forgets how to pull it back in. It takes Brendon touching his cheek lightly to bring him back, and then he sucks in a breath and says, "If you're sure. Yes, please. _Brendon_."

Brendon reaches for the brown bag still laying on the bed and when he twists back around, Spencer kisses him.

He puts Brendon on his hands and knees, and it's awkward, strange, and Brendon breathes hard when Spencer pushes in the first lubed finger. "Easy, I got you," Spencer says. He works his finger in and out slowly and sends a silent prayer of thanks to the Internet when he crooks his finger and Brendon lets out a euphoric moan. "Want another one?" Spencer asks as he crooks his finger again.

Brendon says, "Oh, God. Oh, fuck," and Spencer thinks that means yes, so he pulls his finger out, squirts more lube over his fingers, and goes back in with two.

Brendon's spine arches, and Spencer leans forward to lay kisses along the knobby bones. Brendon's skin is warm and flushed, and Spencer watches him, fascinated, as he presses his fingers in and crooks them. Every time Spencer pushes into Brendon's prostate, Brendon whines pathetically, and Spencer's so hard, so ready, that he thinks he was wrong before. He could actually come just from _this_ , Brendon's noises, and the arched, needy line of Brendon's back, and Spencer's fingers surrounded by tight, hot muscle. Spencer can't even contemplate his cock taking the place of his fingers right now, or this is all going to be over before it starts.

"Are you ready?" Spencer asks, and he's trying to sound firm, sure, but he sounds mostly desperate and pathetic to his own ears.

The muscles in Brendon's shoulders tighten, and Spencer's not sure if it's reservation, or a reaction to Spencer tapping Brendon's prostate one last time, but Brendon says, "Yes, yes. _Please,_ " so Spencer pulls his fingers out and rolls a condom on.

It's a tight fit, and Spencer nudges in as slowly as he can, but he can still tell by the way Brendon is holding himself, by the noises he's making, that Spencer is hurting him.

"I can stop," Spencer says, even though the idea of it makes him want to cry.

Brendon shakes his head and says, "No. It hurts, but it's not _bad_. Just... I don't know. Move or something."

Spencer rocks his hips experimentally and Brendon makes a noise, different and better than before, so Spencer does it again. They get a rhythm going, and before too long, Brendon is rocking back into Spencer's thrusts. It's amazing, so good, and Brendon finally says, "Spencer, please, please," and Spencer reaches underneath Brendon and wraps his hand around Brendon's cock.

It takes exactly four strokes, and Spencer's thumb pressing hard under the head of Brendon's dick, and then Brendon is coming in hot spurts over Spencer's fist. Brendon's spine goes rigid, and his shoulders shake, and every muscle around Spencer's dick tightens until Spencer's eyes roll back in his head, and his own orgasm hits him hard.

Brendon slumps forward and Spencer falls pretty much on top of him. Spencer knows it can't be comfortable, and as soon as he's able, he pulls out of Brendon's body gently and rearranges them so that Brendon is lying along his side, their legs tangled together.

Brendon snakes his arms around Spencer's hips. Spencer knows that if they stay like this, Brendon's arm will probably fall asleep from lack of circulation, but Brendon doesn't seem to care, so Spencer tries not to worry about it.

Brendon tucks his face against Spencer's neck, and tucks one hand in Spencer's hair. They're wrapped up together, so twisted and intertwined that Spencer doesn't think he can tell what's his and what's Brendon's anymore. Brendon lays a sleepy, open-mouthed kiss to Spencer's neck, and Spencer's heart twists, hard and vicious in his chest, and Spencer knows without a doubt that he won't be getting it back come morning.

 

In June, they move up to Maryland to record the album. Ryan and Brendon fight a lot about the vocals. Spencer knows they're both frustrated because Ryan has this idea of what each song should sound like and no real way to convey that to Brendon. It's easier with Brent and Spencer, because their instruments are constant and unchanging in a way that Brendon's voice isn't. Sometimes, Brent can't get certain parts down right, but Brendon is more than capable on the bass, and he just picks up the slack in that department too.

"You're not doing it right," Ryan says as he pulls his guitar over his head and throws it down a little too hard.

Spencer winces, and Brent ambles off to the side stage, and takes his sidekick out, already used to -- and bored by -- Ryan's tantrums.

Brendon closes his eyes and sighs and says calmly, "Well, why don't you explain it to me again."

"I've explained it to you a hundred times already, and you _still_ don't get it. You're fucking hopeless, Brendon."

"Maybe you just suck at communication, Ryan," Brendon says sweetly. "It's probably not a coincidence that everyone who's had any contact with you since we got here thinks you're an uptight, prissy bitch."

Ryan's cheeks flame red and Spencer stands up to get in between them, but he's a second too late: Ryan rears back and slaps Brendon hard across the cheek.

"Ryan!" Spencer says sharply, but Ryan is already storming out the door, his shoulders held so tightly that Spencer thinks someone could probably snap him with a touch.

The room gets eerily quiet after Ryan's exit, and Brendon stares over Spencer's shoulder for a few seconds, just breathing in and out slowly, until Spencer takes a step toward him. Then, Brendon snaps to attention, takes a step back, and says, "Just go after him. I know you want to."

The thing is, Spencer does want to. He's spent more than a decade of his life going after Ryan, but he also wants to grab on to Brendon and hug him and maybe kiss him, but he doesn't think Brendon will let him right now. Ryan, he knows, will let Spencer wrap his arms around him, hug him, comfort him -- and it really sucks being stuck in the middle. Spencer doesn't like it at all.

"Brendon," Spencer says softly, and it sounds like a question and an apology all at once.

Brendon closes his eyes and takes another step back and says, "Just go."

There's nothing he can say to Brendon right now that won't sound like an excuse, so he goes to deal with Ryan. Ryan he can navigate with his eyes closed.

 

He finds Ryan outside smoking a cigarette, and he rolls his eyes. Ryan has this thing where he tries to act more grown up than he really is by emulating whatever someone else is doing; their producer smokes like a chimney stack, so Ryan picked up the habit a few weeks ago.

"Hey," Spencer says, sitting down next to Ryan and bumping their shoulders together.

Ryan turns his head away from Spencer and blows smoke out of his mouth awkwardly. Ryan's in this amazingly gawky stage where pretty much everything he does is awkward. "I figured you'd be inside soothing your boyfriend's hurt feelings," Ryan says nonchalantly.

Spencer raises an eyebrow, because they haven't exactly talked about Brendon, but Ryan's known Spencer forever, and Ryan isn't stupid, so of course he knows.

"He isn't my boyfriend," Spencer says, because he's not, or well, they haven't really talked about it in terms of labels. Honestly, Spencer doesn't know what they are, just that whatever it is, Spencer would like to keep being it for a long, long time.

"You're having sex with him, and when you're not having sex with him, you're staring at him all moony-eyed, like you'd like to be having sex with him. I'd say you're his boyfriend," Ryan says.

"Yeah, well, that doesn't mean I'm not your friend anymore," Spencer says.

Ryan shrugs and tilts his head back so that he has to squint his eyes at the sun. "I wish I had his voice," Ryan says before he rubs his right eye with the heel of his hand.

Spencer's quiet for a minute, trying to figure out how hard he can push, until he remembers that this is Ryan, not Brendon, and there's never a distance he can push Ryan that's too far for him to reach. "I think maybe he wishes that, too. Then he wouldn't always feel imperfect every time you look at him," Spencer says, watching Ryan's face closely.

Ryan inhales sharply and squeezes his eyes shut tight before he gets up off the bench and throws his cigarette butt on the ground.

"Where are you going?" Spencer asks gently.

"To apologize to your boyfriend and then finish making this album before we kill each other. You wanna come play the drums?" Ryan says.

Spencer smiles and follows him inside.

 

Pete comes to visit and invites them out to dinner, and even though Spencer's really sick of Hot Pockets and frozen pizzas, he's even more interested in having Brendon alone for an hour in their little apartment.

He sends Ryan a look, and he and Ryan have been communicating telepathically for years now, so Ryan blinks and then says, "Sure, Brent and I would love to."

Brendon is quick and smart on top of being really fucking hot, so he doesn't say anything, just looks over at Spencer and smiles.

Spencer's inside Brendon, deep; Brendon's legs are over Spencer's shoulders, and Spencer feels like they're still not close enough, so when he pushes forward again, he leans over and licks his way into Brendon's mouth.

Brendon kisses him back, digs his nails hard into Spencer's back until Spencer knows he'll have marks, long and red and raised.

After, when they're tangled up together, Brendon says, "My parents are coming tomorrow. They called, and they're coming."

Spencer smiles against Brendon's neck. "That's good, right?" he says.

Brendon traces lazy circles in Spencer's skin and says, "Yeah. I think so. But... I think we should cool it while they're here."

Spencer laughs a little and says, "Well, duh. I wasn't planning on molesting you in front of your mother."

Brendon nods, but he isn't smiling.

Brendon's parents arrive, and Brendon seems happy like he hasn't been since their early days as a band. He smiles more, and he laughs like he means it instead of like he's just humoring whoever is expecting it. It makes Spencer smile to see him like that, except for how it doesn't have anything to do with Spencer at all.

Brendon basically ignores them all for the entire weekend, and Spencer can't really be mad about it, since he knows it's been months since he's had his parents' attention. They leave on Sunday night and when they go, Brendon's mother hands over the keys to her old purple minivan. "I know it's not much," she says quietly. "But consider it a belated graduation present."

Brendon looks like he might cry, until his father leans in and says, "We're proud of you, son." Then, he does cry.

 

The day after Brendon's parents leave, they pile into Brendon's van and drive to Baltimore to join the Take Cover tour. They're all nervous as fuck, and they only get to play five songs, but it's their first time playing live, and it's a big fucking deal.

They're understandably awful, and everyone else on the tour pats them on the back and offers them beers. They take the pats and decline the beers, because none of them are old enough to drink. Spencer isn't even old enough to smoke.

Touring in a minivan is uncomfortable and inconvenient and not conducive to getting any kind of alone time with one's boyfriend. Spencer finally has to beg Ryan to take Brent away after their show in San Antonio. Ryan drags Brent off, babbling about The Alamo and the River Walk, and Spencer sends a silent thank you with his eyes. Ryan sends him a look back that lets Spencer know Ryan's benevolence won't be free. Spencer doesn't care what it's going to cost, as long as he gets a couple of hours alone with Brendon.

As soon as he gets Brendon to the van, he leans in for a kiss, and Brendon sidesteps him. Spencer blinks, confused; okay, so maybe he's noticed that Brendon's been a little distant, but he'd just chalked it up to Ryan and Brent being around constantly.

"Brendon," Spencer says and leans in again. Brendon takes another step, and Spencer slumps against the side of the van. "What the fuck?" he asks.

Brendon bites into his bottom lip and then he says, "I don't think we should."

Spencer says, "Ryan and Brent won't be back for at least an hour."

Brendon shakes his head and says, "No, Spencer. I don't think we _should_... like, at all anymore."

Spencer stays quiet for a couple of seconds, just to make sure he's heard the words right, before he blurts out, "Why the hell not?"

Brendon won't look at him, his eyes trained on the ground, and he's bouncing from foot to foot, which is always a sure sign that he's nervous.

"Bren?" Spencer says questioningly.

Brendon mumbles something so quietly that Spencer can't hear, so he takes a step closer and then Brendon looks up, right in Spencer's eyes, and says, "It's wrong. We shouldn't because it's wrong. It's a sin."

Spencer actually lets out a snort before he really looks at Brendon. Brendon's eyes are serious, though, and Spencer's heart actually stops beating for a moment before he says, "Says who?"

Brendon looks away and Spencer can barely hear him when he says, "My parents, The Book, _God_."

Spencer swallows and says, "Brendon, you don't really believe that, do you?"

"I... Yeah, Spencer. I do."

Spencer doesn't know what to say to that, so he doesn't say anything at all. Eventually, Brendon shrugs his shoulders and walks away.

 

Ryan sighs dramatically, like he's the perpetually put-upon person in their friendship, before he says, "So what's going on with you and Brendon?"

Spencer is definitely, definitely the more put-upon one, so he doesn't feel bad when he says, "What are you talking about?"

Ryan sighs again. "You're acting weird. He's acting weird, or weirder than usual. Is there trouble in paradise? Are we going to end up a VH1 special before our first album even gets released?"

Spencer knows he means it as a joke, but Spencer hasn't been in a very humorous mood lately, so it maybe comes out as a snarl when he says, "I'm not going to fuck up the band. I might be the youngest, but trust me when I say I have more emotional maturity than the three of you assholes combined."

Ryan raises his eyebrow and says, "Okay, Spencer Smith. Talk to me."

Spencer's breath hitches a little and then, he talks. When he's done, Ryan shakes his head and says, "I don't know what to say to make it better."

Spencer doesn't think there is anything to make it better, but when Ryan wraps his arms around Spencer's waist and squeezes hard, it helps, if only a little.

 

Spencer turns eighteen and the album gets released in September, and they start the Nintendo Fusion tour. Spencer gets better at pretending everything is good between Brendon and himself.

Ryan starts fooling around with this slightly scary-looking girl from MySpace, and Spencer doesn't really get it, but it's Ryan, so that doesn't surprise him all that much. The girl's name is Jac, and she comes on tour for a few weeks and drags one of her girlfriends along with her.

Brendon follows Jac's friend, Audrey, around like a dog in heat, and Spencer would probably think it was completely pathetic if he weren't so occupied being sick with jealousy. By the time the girls leave, Brendon has his first girlfriend and Spencer's pretty sure he has an ulcer.

 

For the new year, Brendon gets dumped, they get their first bus, and they all get to go to Europe for the first time, opening for The Academy Is...

There's this tech who always wears flip flops, and smiles a lot, and he maybe makes Spencer's stomach flutter a little with butterflies. "I'm Jon," he says, and Spencer smiles and tries not to blush or make a complete idiot out of himself.

After Europe they stay on opening for The Academy, and Jon stays on as The Academy's tech, and Spencer really likes having someone he can talk to who isn't Ryan, because talking to Ryan is a lot like talking to yourself most of the time.

It takes maybe a week into the new tour for Jon to catch on to Spencer's crush. Spencer likes Jon for his honesty and his ability to just put shit out there, but it's a less desirable quality when Spencer's the one he's handing the reality check to.

"So I'm straight," Jon says. They're on Panic's bus, practically lying on top of each other in the back lounge.

Spencer tries not to blush again, which is a pretty common thing around Jon. "Um. Okay?" he says because he's really hoping he hasn't been _that_ obvious.

"And even if I wasn't," Jon continues. "You're kind of in love with Brendon."

Apparently, Spencer is less opaque than Saran Wrap. "I am not," Spencer says, and he sounds like a little kid, he knows, but he really wants Jon to like him, and having a pathetic crush is bad enough. Being in love with his lead singer, who is currently on a one-man campaign to prove how straight he is by banging every groupie he can, is just plain sad.

"You so are," Jon says, and Spencer would argue, but he doesn't think a game of "am not, are too" is going to increase his cool points.

"What I don't get," Jon says, "is why the two of you aren't doing something about it. Because it's kind of obvious he's into you, too. You're both all starry-eyed over each other when you think the other one isn't looking."

Spencer's breath catches and he says, "Really?" before he can stop himself.

Jon smiles smugly.

Spencer punches his shoulder and says, "Shut up. He's... He's kind of religious, I guess? We used to... and then we stopped, because, I don't know. I guess he thinks it's wrong or something."

Jon nods and picks Spencer's hand up where it's splayed across Jon's chest. "That's a hard one," he says eventually. "You know, sometimes, I think about church, about all that stuff, like it's an exclusive club. Like, there are rules and if you want to be a part of it, you have to live by the rules, and I can imagine it would suck pretty hard if like, your family was in the club, and living by the rules, and it seemed to make them happy. And, it would probably be confusing if you thought it should make you happy too, but it didn't for whatever reason. So maybe, it's just going to take him some time to figure out that exclusive clubs aren't right for everybody." Jon sighs and says, "I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense."

Spencer thinks maybe it makes perfect sense, or maybe they both smoked too much weed and it only seems to make sense. Either way, it makes Spencer feel strangely better.

 

Brendon starts drinking with The Academy guys, and Ryan deals with that by pretending like Brendon doesn't exist. Brendon retaliates by getting in Ryan's face on stage, where Ryan can't do anything about it without causing a scene in front of a thousand screaming fans.

All of that leads to constant fighting off stage, and Spencer doesn't really feel like mediating between them, so he spends most of his time with Jon on The Academy's bus.

Sometimes he'll see Brent hanging around outside the bus, playing with his Sidekick, and he tells himself he should try harder to include him, but he never quite gets up the energy to do it.

"Your guitarist and your lead singer are going to kill each other one of these days," Butcher says, coming into the bunk area from the front of the bus.

Spencer is lying on Jon's bunk, looking through pictures Jon's taken of the tour. Jon's on the floor, resting his head on the bed next to Spencer's elbow.

"What have they done now?" Spencer asks.

"Brendon threw an unopened Red Bull at Ryan's head," Butcher says.

Jon laughs and then tries to cover by putting his hand over his mouth. "It's not funny," Spencer says.

Jon shakes his head, but Spencer can tell he's still smiling under his palm. Spencer sighs and says, "I better go check on Ryan. Brendon's got pretty decent aim when he wants to."

"Yeah," Butcher says. "Urie is... spirited."

There's something about the way he says it that makes Spencer's stomach hurt, and then Jon stands up abruptly and sends some kind of look at Butcher before he holds his hand out to Spencer. "I'll go with you," Jon says.

Spencer says, "Okay," but he can't help feeling like something just went completely over his head.

 

Brendon climbs into Spencer's bunk drunk one night and straddles Spencer's hips. It's a tight fit, and Brendon has to lean over to avoid hitting his head on Ryan's bunk above them.

"Brendon?" Spencer says, because he's half-asleep, but Brendon is wiggling on top of him, and Brendon is pretty much Spencer's one and only surefire turn-on. His mere existence is usually enough to get Spencer hard. Brendon, actually on top of Spencer, _wiggling_ , is just plain unfair.

"I want you to fuck me," Brendon says, his mouth maybe half an inch from Spencer's, and Spencer can smell the liquor on his breath. There's a really big part of him that wants not to care, that wants to grab Brendon by the hips, flip him over, and fuck him so hard he can't ever forget that Spencer's been there.

He wants to, but there's an even bigger part of him that wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror the next morning if he actually _did_ it, so what he says is, "You're drunk, Bren."

Brendon scowls and then leans in another inch and kisses Spencer, hard. It hurts a little. Spencer's bottom lip gets caught between their teeth, and Brendon's mouth is open too much, too slack to make the kiss any good. Spencer still makes a little needy sound anyway, because it's still Brendon's mouth on his, and it's been a long time. It's been too long.

Spencer slides his hands up Brendon's back, and tilts his head to the side a little to change the angle of the kiss and everything suddenly gets much, much better.

Brendon moans and licks his way into Spencer's mouth, ruts his hips against Spencer's. It all feels really good, so good Spencer feels his eyes tearing up, and he can't help himself when he says, "Brendon, Brendon, missed you so fucking much. God. I love you."

Brendon freezes above him and tears his mouth away. His eyes are closed and he's breathing hard, shaking and shaking above Spencer, and Spencer reaches his hand up and touches the side of Brendon's neck gently.

"Bren?" he says.

Brendon rolls out of the bunk suddenly, landing on his knees, and he scrambles up and looks wild-eyed at Spencer before he says, "Sorry, sorry. I think I'm going to be sick."

Spencer follows him to the bathroom, but Brendon locks the door and won't let him in no matter how many times he pounds on the door.

Spencer doesn't move until Ryan comes out from the bunks and looks at him, eyes sad and worried, and says, "Go to bed. Let me try for a while."

Spencer nods, and goes back to his bunk, and has to swallow his own bile when he hears Brendon open the door to Ryan a few minutes later. He kind of wants to throw up, himself, but Brendon has the bathroom.

 

There aren't a lot of places a person can hide on tour. There are too many people in small spaces, and if anyone wanders too far from the fold, there's a good chance they'll get cornered by a pack of teenage girls, and no one wants that.

The point is, it shouldn't surprise Spencer all that much when he walks into one of the dressing rooms backstage to find Brendon and Butcher making out on the make-up counter. It shouldn't surprise him, but it really, really does.

Brendon's naked from the waist up, his shirt hanging from the hand he has twisted in Butcher's hair. Butcher never wears shirts anyway, and Spencer has a second to think, wildly, that Brendon's pale skin looks strangely beautiful next to Butcher's swirls of ink and color, before Spencer's stomach rolls and he has to run to find the nearest bathroom.

He runs, and he thinks he hears Jon call out his name before he turns into one of the restrooms, falls to his knees, and vomits so hard he gives himself an instant headache.

Jon comes in a minute later, and Spencer barely hears him running the water in the sink over his own hitched breathing and continued dry-heaving. Jon lays something cool against Spencer's neck, and Spencer lays his cheek against the seat of the toilet and looks at Jon.

Jon rubs his hand over Spencer's lower back and says, "You feel better?"

Spencer opens his mouth to say something, and to his horror, he starts to cry. He can't remember the last time he cried, but he's pretty sure it was at least five years ago. Despite that, he can't seem to make himself stop, but Jon doesn't seem to mind, so he just stays where he is, cheek pressed against the cool ceramic, and sobs.

By the time he's done, his entire body hurts, like he just played an entire show, and his mind is exhausted at the thought of actually going out and doing just that in less than an hour.

"Want to talk about it?" Jon asks softly.

Spencer shakes his head but says, "Did you know?"

Jon opens his mouth, and Spencer can tell he's thinking of what to say, which in Spencer's experience, means he really wants to lie. It's also been Spencer's experience that Jon is not a liar. Finally Jon just sighs and says, "Yeah. I knew. And maybe I should have told you, but it didn't seem like it was my thing to tell."

Spencer nods and says, "Well, at least I know now. I mean... I feel like I've been hanging on to him forever because like, I knew he'd figure it out and come around. So I guess it's better?"

Spencer rubs at his eyes, because they're starting to tear up again, even though Spencer is willing them not to.

Jon pulls at Spencer until they're both sitting on the dirty bathroom floor facing each other. "I think he's just really, really confused, Spence," Jon says. He uses his thumbs to brush at the tears on Spencer's cheeks.

Spencer smiles tightly and says, "He seems to have it figured out. Apparently, it wasn't so much a gay thing as it was a gay with _me_ thing."

Jon looks really sad, and Spencer kind of hates him for a minute, because Spencer doesn't want pity. He's going to be just fine as soon as he goes out and puts his fist through a wall or something. "Don't look at me like that," Spencer says harshly. "I'm fine."

Jon nods and pulls Spencer against his chest and kisses the top of his head and says, "Probably not, but you will be, eventually."

Spencer digs in and hopes he's right.

 

Spencer meets Haley at the end of the tour, and she's pretty fucking amazing. She likes video games and text messaging dirty jokes, and she makes Spencer laugh every time he talks to her.

They go to Europe and she sends him things like, _Has Ryan decided he wants to be French yet?_

Spencer texts her back with, _We're in England, not France._

It takes a few minutes, but eventually Spencer's sidekick buzzes and when he looks, Haley's sent, _Don't let him near any royalty. They're almost as pretentious as the French._

Spencer laughs, and Ryan says, "What's so funny?" from his place on the other side of the bus.

Spencer shakes his head and says, "Haley. She wants to know how you feel about the French."

Ryan gives Spencer a weird look and says, "So, are the two of you like, officially a thing now, or what?"

Brendon pauses his video game and looks between the two of them for a second. "Last time I checked, Spencer was gay," Brendon says, and he's smiling tentatively, like he's not sure if he's allowed to comment on their conversation.

Spencer kind of hates Brendon's guts, and wants to kiss him, and then hit him, and then maybe kiss him again, which only brings Spencer back around to the gut-hating. So he smiles really sweetly and says, "I guess I'm about as gay as you are."

Brendon pales a little and says, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Spencer doesn't want to look at him anymore, so he gets up and says, "Oh I don't know. Why don't you go ask Butcher. Maybe you can find the answer in his mouth."

Ryan says, "Spencer," but Spencer is already walking away.

He hides in his bunk and texts Haley, _Ryan wants to know if we're dating._

 _I think so, yes. If you want to be?_ Haley texts back immediately.

Spencer swallows and texts, _I want._

Haley says, _Me too._

 

They get back from Europe and play Bamboozle, and Pete makes a big deal about "inducting" them into the gang. Ryan and Brendon eat it up, but Spencer thinks Pete is kind of creepy. Brent doesn't have an opinion on much of anything anymore, and honestly, most days, Spencer forgets he's even there until one day, he's not.

"What the fuck," Ryan says. Spencer knows he's trying to sound angry, but it comes out more scared, and Brendon goes over and lays a hand on his shoulder soothingly.

"We have to go on," Brendon says. "I can handle the bass parts for tonight, and we'll figure the rest out after."

Ryan nods and looks at Spencer, and Spencer clenches his jaw, because this is Ryan's fucking _dream_ , and no one fucks with that on Spencer's watch. If Brent isn't dead in a ditch somewhere, he's going to wish he were, just as soon as Spencer _finds_ the asshole.

They do their best, and afterward they sit on the bus and stare at each other.

"I guess we'll need to talk to him," Brendon says.

"Fuck that," Spencer snaps. "He's out."

Ryan's head jerks up at that, his eyes wide and he says, "But, Spence."

Spencer shakes his head and says, "No, Ryan. We all didn't work our asses off, and alienate our families, and keep our parents up at night so that he could ruin it for us because he didn't feel like showing up. If he wants to pull some no-call, no-show bullshit he can go work at the fucking McDonald's, because he doesn't work with us. Not anymore."

Ryan nods and Brendon sighs and says, "Well, what now, then?"

Spencer pretends to think for a few seconds, but really, it's been at the back of his mind since Brent didn't show. "Jon?" he says. "At least until we have some time to give it some more thought."

"Do you think he'd do it?" Brendon asks.

Spencer nods, and Ryan says, "Yeah, I like Jon."

"Everyone likes Jon," Spencer says.

Brendon says, "Some of us more than others," and he sounds a little bitter, or maybe a little jealous, but Spencer thinks maybe that's just wishful thinking.

 

"So, is everything just going to be shitty between us forever," Brendon says over Froot Loops and milk.

Spencer looks at him and shrugs.

"Don't you think it's going to be weird being in a band if you can barely look at me?" Brendon asks.

Spencer finishes chewing and says, "It's a job. People work with people they don't like all the time."

Brendon's face falls, and his eyes look hurt, like Spencer's injured him with his words. "I... We used to be friends," Brendon says.

Spencer says, "Yeah, Brent used to be our friend too."

Brendon looks like he might cry and his voice cracks when he says, "I'm sorry. Can't you just... I miss being your friend."

Spencer feels like shit, but he can't pretend. He's always going to want more from Brendon than Brendon's willing to give him, and maybe he _should_ pretend for everyone's sake, but he just can't.

"I don't want to be your friend," Spencer says, and then he gets up to rinse his bowl.

 

"I know you have a job and everything," Spencer says.

Jon says, "Spencer," but in a way that makes Spencer feel really stupid.

"It's not permanent. I mean, we'd have to talk about it being permanent if that's what you wanted, because we'd have to talk about it. The band, I mean."

"Yeah," Jon says. "I get that. So, I'll just come for however long, and if it works, it works, and if it doesn't, it doesn't."

Spencer smiles and says, "Well, okay then. What are you waiting for, a written invitation? Get on a plane already."

Jon hangs up on him, but he calls back fifteen minutes later with his flight information.

 

They start their first stateside headlining tour with Jon playing bass, and it feels like every piece of promotion they do, they have to deal with Brent not being there. It's almost like he becomes a bigger presence in his absence than he ever was while he was part of the band.

"I'm just sick of talking about him, you know," Spencer says to Haley.

"Yeah," Haley says. "So, I was thinking, if you don't think the guys would mind too much, that I could come hang with you for awhile... I mean, if you wanted."

Haley just finished school, and is on summer vacation, but Spencer didn't want to assume, because Haley's kind of normal and traditional and Spencer thought she might want to go to camp, or get a job, or just lay around and work on her tan. Riding around on a bus for weeks at a time doesn't sound like anyone's idea of fun, except maybe Ryan's.

"You'd want to do that?" Spencer asks.

"Well, duh," Haley says. "I like your voice, but I'm pretty sure having all of you would be infinitely better."

Spencer smiles and says, "Yeah, yes. Come on already."

 

"So," Spencer says, walking into the back lounge. Jon and Ryan are in the middle of a particularly lethal round of Guitar Hero. "How do you have sex with girls?"

Jon stops playing and raises his eyebrow. Ryan chokes.

"Excuse me?" Ryan says when he's able to breathe again.

Spencer sits nonchalantly on the couch and shrugs his shoulders. "Haley's coming for a few days, and we've been, you know, kind of dating for a while now, and we've done stuff, but we haven't actually done _it_. Um, and I know she's never... and I've never with a girl, and I'd like for it to be good, and oh my God, one of you say something so I can stop talking now."

Jon sits next to Spencer and says, "Well, when a boy and a girl love each other very much..."

Ryan bursts out laughing.

"Oh, fuck you very much, you both suck so hard," Spencer says.

Jon tries to quit smiling and fails miserably. "Okay," Jon says. "Seriously. What do you want to know?"

"Well, I guess, just, what can I expect exactly?"

Ryan puts his face in his hands and says, kind of muffled, "You've had sex, Spencer. Jesus. It's basically the same thing."

Jon looks affronted. "Don't listen to him. It's not the same thing at all. She has totally different parts."

Spencer nods and Jon wraps his arm around Spencer's shoulders. "Spencer," Jon says. "Let's talk about the clitoris."

"Oh my _God_ ," Ryan says. "Kill me now."

 

They play two nights in New York at the end of June, and New York is romantic to anyone that doesn't actually live there so Spencer decides it's a good place to take the next step. Spencer wants it to be special, because it's Haley's first time and it _should_ be special.

They get a room at a hotel that Spencer is still kind of amazed he can afford, with soft sheets and complimentary robes and mints on the pillows. Spencer asks Jon to get them champagne; Jon may not be twenty-one yet, but he never has any problems procuring alcohol when someone needs it.

They go to dinner, and then they go back to the hotel, and it all feels strangely familiar. Spencer thinks he's getting good at this whole deflowering thing.

Haley kisses him first and then turns around and looks at Spencer over her shoulder. Spencer takes the hint and slides the zipper on her dress down, and then she turns back around and kisses him again.

Spencer puts his hands on her back, where her skin is smooth and warm, and worms his fingers under the strap of her bra. It takes him three tries, but he finally gets the hooks undone, and then Haley steps back again and lets her dress slide to the floor.

She's really beautiful, round and soft and smooth, and Spencer touches her shoulder lightly, drags the pads of his fingers down her arm to her elbow and then pulls her close again, so he can kiss along her jaw to her neck.

Haley laughs a little. "Sorry," she says. "It tickles."

Spencer smiles at her and cups her face in his hands and kisses her as he walks them both toward the bed.

Haley pulls her mouth away from his and says, "You've done this before, right?"

Spencer looks at her, and he can't lie, because this is her first time and she deserves to know what she's getting into. She deserves the chance to say no if Spencer isn't what she wants after all.

"I... kind of. But, no," he says.

Haley blinks and her eyes are really brown, trusting, and Spencer sits on the bed and pulls on her hand until she sits down next to him. "I don't know what that means," Haley whispers.

Spencer nods and swallows and says, "I think maybe we should just talk for a little while."

 

Haley goes home the next morning with everything she brought with her.

Three days later he gets a text message. _Are you still in love with him?_

Spencer looks up from his place on the couch and watches Brendon. He's stretched out on the floor, his iPod blasting in his ears, and his eyes are closed. Spencer thinks maybe he's asleep for a second before he notices Brendon's toes moving in his socks, keeping time with whatever beat is playing in his ears.

 _Yes_. Spencer texts back.

Half an hour later, she text back, _Were you ever in love with me?_

Spencer starts typing a half a dozen times and finally flips through his phone book, finds Haley's number, and hits send. He walks back to the bunks and closes himself in and waits for Haley to pick up.

Haley answers on the fourth ring.

"I'm sorry," Spencer says.

Haley doesn't say anything so Spencer says, "I wanted to. I _really_ like you."

"So... are you like, completely gay?" Haley asks.

Spencer breathes through his nose and says, "I don't think so. I mean... I wanted you. I still want you. I've liked other girls."

"So, you're bisexual," Haley says.

"I guess," Spencer says. "If you have to give it a word."

They're quiet for a while until Haley says, "You should tell Brendon you're still in love with him."

Spencer laughs ruefully and says, "Brendon's perfectly aware of my feelings for him. He just wants to be friends."

Haley says sarcastically, "Yeah, I can see how that would suck."

Spencer sucks in a sharp breath and closes his eyes before he says, "Haley. I'm _really_ sorry."

Haley says, "Spencer, don't. I think eventually... maybe with a little time... I can be happy being your friend."

Spencer says, "I really hope so."

Haley says, "I mean, we've got time, right? It's not like either of us is going anywhere."

Spencer feels relief flood him because he may not be in love with her, but he loves her, and he doesn't want things to be broken between them forever. Spencer says, "Yes. We've got all the time in the world."

 

Ryan and Jon are laughing, and Brendon is standing in the middle of the back lounge playing air guitar to a Billy Idol song.

Brendon runs his fingers through his hair nervously when he sees Spencer in the doorway.

"Hey, guys," Spencer says.

Jon smiles and says, "Brendon was doing his eighties grunge rocker impersonation."

"So I see," Spencer says. "So do you guys think you can give me and Billy here a minute alone?"

Jon and Ryan exchange a look and Brendon rubs his palms against his jeans.

"Sure," Ryan says and he pulls Jon up off the couch by his wrist and they walk out together.

Brendon sits on the couch that Jon and Ryan just vacated and looks at Spencer with big eyes. "So, what's up?" he says.

"I've been an asshole," Spencer says.

Brendon blinks and doesn't say anything.

"That's really all I wanted to say," Spencer continues. "And you know, I'm, um, going to try to be less of one from now on."

Brendon stands up, fidgets for a second, and then launches himself across the room and hugs Spencer hard. It's the complete opposite of what Spencer was expecting, and it's pretty much over before Spencer even realizes it's happening. Then Brendon takes a step back and smiles at him, and Spencer's heart twists hard in his chest. He's completely screwed, but he already knew that, and there isn't really anything left for him to do but smile back.

 

Ryan's dad dies, and everything Spencer ever thought was important suddenly seems less so. Ryan goes home alone, even after Spencer yells at him for being a stubborn jerk. They cancel two shows, and then Ryan comes back and curls up in Spencer's bunk with him.

Spencer says, "He loved you, you know?"

Ryan says, "I loved him too. I just... didn't like him all that much. Maybe I was a shitty son."

Spencer touches Ryan's hair, his shoulder, his hand, and says, "Maybe he was a shitty father. Or, maybe you were just two people who wanted different things, or maybe, sometimes we just love people we'll never understand and it's hard, but it doesn't make it less."

Ryan says, "I love you, you know."

Spencer says, "Yeah. I know."

Ryan doesn't smile much for a while; he turns inward, becomes more withdrawn. Spencer worries about him, until they play the VMAs.

They win video of the year, and it's amazing, and Jon is laughing, and Brendon looks like he just took a trip to Disneyland. Spencer smiles at them all, because he can't not.

Ryan comes off stage after they perform, and they're all standing around in a circle talking and laughing, high on the rush of it all, and suddenly there's this tiny girl in their midst, blond and beautiful. She walks up and stands next to Brendon, but her eyes are all for Ryan, and she says, "Hi, I'm Keltie Colleen."

She holds out her hand, and Ryan stares at her blankly for a second before Jon elbows him hard in the ribs. Then Ryan blinks and takes her hand and says, "Ryan Ross."

Keltie smiles and says, "You should ask me out for coffee, Ryan Ross."

Ryan looks like he's just been sideswiped by a truck. "Right now?" he asks, kind of stupidly, and Keltie laughs.

"Wow, you're really bad at this," Keltie says, but it's teasing, sweet, and she says, "It's just coffee, dude. We can talk about marriage and babies later, like maybe after the second date."

Ryan laughs nervously, like he's not sure if she's joking or not and she rolls her eyes and says, "I'll tell you what, I'm a modern kind of girl. I'll buy _you_ coffee. I think there's a craft service table around here somewhere."

She cocks her eyebrow challengingly, and when Ryan steps forward to walk away with her, she slides her hand into his and twines their fingers together.

As they walk away, Ryan says, "I think craft service is free, actually."

Keltie nods and says, "I like you already, Ross. You're a cheap date."

Ryan laughs and then they round a corner and Spencer can't see them anymore.

Brendon says, "What just happened?"

Jon says, "That girl's amazing."

After that, Ryan smiles pretty much all the time, so Spencer is inclined to agree.

 

"I want to do something different for the next tour," Ryan says.

Brendon says, "Like what?"

Jon looks kind of scared, and Spencer laughs and squeezes his knee affectionately. "I'll protect you," Spencer whispers.

Jon glares and then goes bug-eyed when Ryan says, "I was thinking maybe, like a carnival theme."

Brendon says, "Ooh. Or maybe, like, showgirls, splashy, with bright lights. Vegas, baby."

Ryan nods and points and says, "Brendon Urie, we're like soul mates."

Spencer says, "What about like... a Vaudeville Circus type thing. Like Cirque du Soleil, but less lame."

Ryan smiles and says, "No, no, Spencer Smith, _you_ are my soul mate."

Jon raises his hand and says, "Whatever, guys. I'm not wearing eyeliner."

Ryan laughs and kisses Jon on the cheek.

 

Jon wears eyeliner, and somehow Spencer ends up in lace-up pants and red eye makeup. Ryan gets out his inner child by drawing all over his and Brendon's faces every night.

They're in Charlotte, North Carolina, tonight, and Brendon is sitting in front of the mirror in the dressing room, covered in sweat. "I'm so hungry," Brendon wails, grabbing at his stomach.

Jon rolls his eyes and says, "We just ate our body weight in barbecue before the show. There's no way you're hungry."

Brendon pouts and says, "That was hours ago, Jon. I'm wasting away here."

Ryan makes a derisive noise and says, "It was _two_ hours ago, Brendon."

Jon meets Ryan's eyes in the mirror and they smile at each other. Jon says, "I'm not hungry, but I'm awfully uptight."

Spencer looks up from his place on the couch and rolls his eyes. It's like being in a goddamn sitcom or something. Ryan rolls his shoulders and says, "Yes, I could use something relaxing myself."

Brendon turns around from the mirror and looks between Jon and Ryan, his eyes wide and unbelieving. "Are you two sleeping together?"

Ryan says, "What!"

Jon laughs and gets up, stretches, and then walks over to ruffle Brendon's hair affectionately. "While I'm sure Ryan is fantastic in bed, and that would be _really_ relaxing, I was thinking of something more along the herbal lines," Jon says.

Brendon blinks.

"Pot!" Spencer says exasperated.

Brendon says, "I'm not stupid, Spencer."

Spencer gives Brendon a look like he's not so sure that's true.

"Well," Brendon says. "I can't smoke because then I'll really want to eat, and I'll be stuck on the bus with only the three of you, and I guess I could eat one of you, but then I'd have to play the bass, or the drums, or two guitars at once, and Ryan's kind of skinny and bony anyway."

"Fuck you," Ryan says. "I'm lean. Not only would I be delicious, but I'd be healthy too."

Brendon looks at Ryan appraisingly.

"Spence?" Jon says, doing his best not to crack up. "You want to partake?"

Spencer says, "I could eat, actually," and looks at Brendon steadily.

He's been trying to work on the whole _friends_ thing lately, but it hasn't exactly been the kind of trying where Spencer is ever alone with Brendon.

Brendon says, "Yeah, cool, I saw a McDonald's down the street."

Ryan and Jon take off back to the bus, and Zack sticks around long enough to sic another security guard on Brendon and Spencer before he follows Jon and Ryan out to escort them to the bus.

"You don't mind if I go all gross and covered in clown make-up, do you?" Brendon asks.

Spencer kind of does. It's a little bit embarrassing to walk around with a guy dressed up as a mime. It also doesn't help that Brendon looks ridiculously hot all disheveled and covered in sweat. "Um?" Spencer says.

Brendon sighs and says, "I'm just really hungry, and you know it takes for-fucking-ever to get all this shit off my face."

Spencer says, "Why do you let him do it then?"

Brendon shrugs and says, "It makes him happy."

Spencer feels something shifting inside him, feels a kind of closeness toward Brendon he hasn't let himself feel in a really long time, and it feels good. It feels good to just talk to him again, to have a conversation that isn't strained and difficult, and sure, nothing has really changed for Spencer, but it still feels nice to have Brendon back in some small way.

"I guess I don't really mind," Spencer says. "Let's go eat."

 

Brendon's always making up these songs, mostly about breakfast food. Sometimes he sings about how Rice Krispies were completely worthless until someone invented Rice Krispy treats, or about how Lucky Charms are only good because of the marshmallows. Once he made up an entire song about how Jon and Ryan were going to grow old together because they both love Spencer's waffles. It took Jon pointing out that it would have to be Jon, Ryan, _and_ Spencer growing old together, because Jon and Ryan are both hopeless in the kitchen and thus incapable of making their own waffles, before Brendon would stop singing it.

This morning, Brendon is singing an ode to orange juice and coffee, and Jon is laughing. Ryan is glaring from the couch with his notebook open.

"Shut the fuck up," Ryan says prissily. "I'm trying to write."

"'Trying' is the operative word," Brendon says.

Ryan glares harder and says, "Unless you want a second album that's entirely about breakfast food, I suggest you seriously shut up and let me write."

Brendon says, "Whatever, Ryan Ross. I can totally write songs about serious things like teenage angst and aubergine dreams if I want to. I have hidden depths."

Ryan slaps his notebook closed and storms off to the bunks, and Spencer thinks about how long he should give him to cool off before he follows him and tries to smooth his ruffled feathers.

"You think I have hidden depths, don't you?" Brendon says to Jon.

"Of course," Jon says, in a completely mocking way. "Your wells are deep, my friend."

Spencer snorts and gets up to go check on Ryan.

 

They finish Nothing Rhymes With Circus, and Ryan decides that all of them should go hole up in a cabin for a few months and write an album together. Clearly, this idea is just as insane as most of Ryan's brilliant ideas, and Spencer's pretty sure it was the weed talking when they all agreed to it. They've been living practically on top of each other for more than two years; obviously what they really need is more togetherness.

Anyway, they end up in a cabin in the Middle of Nowhere, Nevada, and it's less of a cabin, really, and more of a palace with dead animals on the wall, because Ryan is a fucking prima donna, and he's not going to stay anyplace that doesn't have air conditioning and Egyptian cotton sheets.

Spencer gets high with Jon a lot, until Jon and Ryan have some kind of weird melding of the minds moment about some fucked-up dream Ryan had where there's this romantic couple whose entire story is told through song. Spencer doesn't even fucking know. Ryan's always been weird, and apparently Jon is keeping the really good stuff to himself, because he jumps on board, and the two of them go off and write shit together, and whisper and giggle behind their hands, and it's all just really, really strange.

Spencer doesn't really know what to do with himself, because it's always been him and Ryan having creepy brain twin moments. He feels a little lost, maybe a little jealous, but it's Jon and it's Ryan, and Spencer loves them both, and knows they both love him. Deep down, he's happy that Ryan's found one more person in his life that finds him as interesting, and as beautiful and as just plain amazing as Spencer does.

 

Ryan and Jon hit a roadblock in their weird musical or whatever, so they invite the girls to come visit. Spencer likes Cassie, and he fucking loves Keltie, but watching two of his best friends being all couple-y just makes Spencer realize how _uncoupled_ he is. He thinks about calling Haley and inviting her down. They're talking again, and he knows she'd probably love the mountains and sunshine, but it seems unfair to invite her for the girlfriend invasion when they're obviously not like that anymore.

Keltie steals Jon's weed at one point and invites Spencer outside to smoke with her by quirking her eyebrow at him.

"How did you get this?" Spencer asks, passing Keltie the joint.

Keltie smiles and says, "A lady never reveals her secrets."

Spencer lies back on the ground and stares at the sun, squinting his eyes hard against the glare.

Keltie passes the joint back and Spencer takes it from her. He hears the sliding glass door open and close, and then Ryan sits down between them and plucks the joint from Spencer's fingers.

"What are you two doing?" Ryan asks.

Spencer tilts his head and says, "I'm trying to convince your girlfriend to run away with me."

Keltie nods seriously. "He was telling me all the ways he's more awesome than you are."

Ryan takes a hit and passes it to Keltie. "Really? What were his selling points?"

Spencer says, "Well, I have better arms."

"He does," Keltie says. "Better hair too."

Spencer lifts his head and points at Keltie. "You're so right. My hair is awesome."

"Better than mine," Keltie says.

Ryan says, "He has pretty eyes too."

"Dude," Spencer says. "Maybe I should be trying to convince _you_ to run away with me."

Ryan smirks and twists his knuckles with Keltie's. "I've learned it's better to just love your friends and not _love_ your friends."

Spencer shrugs and says, "I'm too hot for you anyway."

Keltie says, "Hey!"

Spencer makes grabby hands for the joint and Keltie passes it over. "Oh, you're totally too hot for him, too."

Ryan says, "Yeah, I don't even know what she's doing with me, honestly."

Keltie smiles and says, "It must be love."

 

"I am so fucking bored," Brendon says, flopping onto the couch next to Spencer. Spencer's watched Brendon pace the room three times while sighing dramatically, so Spencer knew it was only a matter of time before he settled in to bug Spencer. Brendon's been trying to hang out a lot lately with both the girls around, and Spencer still sometimes finds it hard for the two of them to be alone.

"Go bother Ryan or Jon," Spencer says, not taking his eyes off his book.

Brendon says, "They're off being all lovey dovey and it's gross, Spencer. There's _kissing_ everywhere I look."

"I'm reading," Spencer says, which actually isn't true, because of the whole secretly watching Brendon thing.

"Reading is boring, Spence," Brendon whines. "Come swimming with me."

Spencer thinks swimming sounds like a really good idea, until he goes to change and meets Brendon at the pool ten minutes later. Then Brendon pulls his shirt over his head and dives in, and Spencer's got an eyeful of wet Brendon Urie, which makes him whimper a little pathetically in the back of his throat.

"You coming in?" Brendon asks, wiping water from his eyes, before he treads his hands through the water slowly.

Spencer can't really think of any way to get out of it besides just turning and running, and Spencer's never been the kind of guy to tuck tail and run. He cannonballs in right by Brendon's head, and when he comes up, sputtering, Brendon is smiling at him.

"I give it a solid eight," Brendon says.

"Fuck you," Spencer says. "That was a ten, motherfucker."

Brendon rolls his shoulders lazily and says, "Eh, it lacked follow-through, and now I'm making it a seven. I'm deducting a point for profanity. You used the F word twice, Spencer Smith. What will the children think?"

Spencer smiles sweetly and says, "I'll show you follow-through, you little _asshole_."

Brendon's eyes light up, and he whoops loudly before kicking away from Spencer. Then Spencer dives after him, chasing him across the length of the pool.

Brendon is tiny and fast, but Spencer has strong arms, and it takes maybe three minutes of chase and grab before Spencer has Brendon in a headlock and is dunking him satisfactorily under the water.

Brendon sputters and cries out, "Truce, truce."

Spencer lets him go and goes to hold his hand out to shake Brendon's, and Brendon laughs and splashes him in the face twice before he's swimming off again, yelling, "Sucker!" over his shoulder.

Spencer goes after him and they struggle in the deep end for a minute, Spencer grabbing and Brendon fending him off, until Spencer finds himself against the side of the pool, Brendon in between him and the edge, wiggling and struggling.

Spencer freezes, holds his breath, and watches as a bead of water rolls down Brendon's cheek and settles into the corner of his mouth. Spencer has a really strong desire to lick it, and his fingers curl into Brendon's upper arms reflexively where he's still holding on to Brendon.

It takes Brendon maybe half a second longer to realize how close they are, that Spencer has him pinned, that their bodies are basically touching from shoulder to toe, and that neither one of them is in the mood for playing any longer.

Brendon sucks in a breath, his fingers squeezing Spencer's shoulders, and he stops struggling. He tilts his chin back and looks up into Spencer's face with wide eyes. Spencer's so close he can count the drops of water on Brendon's eyelashes, and he takes in a shaky, deep breath.

Brendon licks his bottom lip, and Spencer makes a really undignified noise. He starts to pull away, apologies on the tip of his tongue, until Brendon tightens his hold on Spencer's shoulders, preventing him from going anywhere.

"Brendon?" Spencer says questioningly.

Brendon licks his lips again and then leans in and up and lays his lips tentatively against Spencer's. Brendon tastes like chlorine, and the grape lollipop he was eating earlier, and Spencer moans into Brendon's mouth. They kiss hard, eating at each other's mouths desperately, before Spencer tears his mouth away, like Brendon's lips burned him, and he swallows hard and closes his eyes. "Don't fuck with me," he says pleadingly, and when he opens his eyes again, Brendon is there, staring steadily back at him.

Brendon says, "I'm not fucking with you," and then they're kissing again, and it's better than Spencer remembered it. If he had any room for thought left in his head, he might be able to wonder how that's even possible, but as it is, it's all he can do to hold on and keep Brendon close.

 

Eventually, Brendon lays a palm soothingly on Spencer's cheek.

"We should move this inside, before Ryan or Jon look out a window and we traumatize them for life," Brendon says. Spencer can tell he's working hard to keep his voice purposefully light. Spencer nods and kisses Brendon again intensely before he turns to get out, just in case Brendon changes his mind again once they're on dry land.

Brendon grabs towels and throws one to Spencer, and once they've both dried off a little, he reaches his hand out for Spencer's. Spencer takes it, and lets Brendon lead the way inside. They go up the stairs, and Brendon pauses at the door to his room before he says, "Do you have stuff in your room?"

Spencer says, "Yes," breathy, and a little disbelieving.

"Let's go there, then," Brendon says. "You have a bigger bed."

Spencer does. He has the best room, with a king-sized bed, and a giant window that opens up on this flat expanse of roof. It has an amazing view of the mountains, and he and Jon sometimes sit out there and smoke weed together and talk about the meaning of life.

Spencer wonders what it would be like to take Brendon out there and strip him down, to have sex under the stars, with no one and nothing around for miles and miles except the moon. Spencer thinks Brendon probably looks pretty amazing in moonlight.

Brendon is still waiting for him to answer, so Spencer says, "Yeah. My room."

Brendon grabs Spencer's hand again, and it's strangely comforting not to have to think too much about any of this. Before, when they were doing this, it felt like all Spencer ever did was _think_ about what to say, and how to say it, and whether or not Brendon would let him say it if he ever figured out the what or how.

Now, Brendon tugs him into the bedroom and closes the door. Spencer hears the lock click softly, and Brendon turns around and kisses him gently on the mouth. It's warm, and sweet, with an underlying current of something more. Spencer can feel the heat underneath, and it's like Brendon's waiting for something, like Spencer is a puzzle he's trying to solve with his tongue and his lips.

They're both still in their swim trunks, and there's all this skin, pale and raised with goose bumps from the cold of the air conditioning. Brendon trails open-mouthed kisses down Spencer's neck to his shoulder, slowly, almost chaste, and Spencer feels like something is trying to claw its way out of his body through his skin.

Spencer says, "Brendon."

Brendon looks up at him and his pupils are huge, and dark, dark brown in his eye. Spencer makes a noise, like a snarl, and grabs Brendon hard by the hips, and forces him backwards. They hit the wall hard and Brendon's breath rushes out, hot against Spencer's cheek.

Spencer says, "I'm sorry. Sorry, but we're going to have to go fast this time. We can take our time later."

Brendon smiles at him and tips his head back, offers Spencer his mouth. Spencer takes it, hard, and then says, "Up, up," and Brendon takes the hint, lets Spencer lift him up until his legs are wrapped around Spencer's waist.

Spencer pushes Brendon into the wall, pins him there with hands and hips and they both start rutting against each other frantically. They never stop kissing, and Brendon fists his hands in Spencer's hair as best he can and tugs, moving Spencer's head around to change the angle, and give their mouths a new direction to explore.

"Shit," Brendon says, ripping his mouth away so he can bite sharply into his bottom lip. He bucks his hips hard one last time, and Spencer pushes back and grinds against him, and then they're both coming messy in their swim trunks.

Spencer's knees give out, and he hits the floor pretty hard, doing his best to cushion the fall for Brendon. Brendon just curls against him, both of them running their fingers over each other's heated skin until they can breathe normally again.

 

It's actually Brendon that gets them up and naked and to the bed. Once they're both standing there, Spencer basically jumps him, and Brendon laughs into his mouth. Both of their hands go exploring, touching, callused fingers against soft flesh.

Spencer rolls off for a second to dig lube and condoms out of the drawer by his bed. He rolls back, and Brendon is right there smiling, waiting. Spencer leans over and kisses Brendon, nips lightly at his chin.

“I like the beard,” Brendon says and Spencer chuckles against Brendon’s neck, rubs his cheek over the thin skin of Brendon’s throat.

Brendon shivers and slides his fingers into Spencer's hair, pushing gently on Spencer's head, and Spencer has always been quick on the uptake. He starts working his way down Brendon's body. He kisses at the hallow of Brendon’s throat, his chest, both of his nipples before he moves on to Brendon’s stomach and ribs. There's a little bit of sweat pooling near Brendon's belly button, and Spencer licks it up, tastes salt and chlorine, and Brendon laughs again.

"That tickles," he says. Spencer smiles and bites down hard on Brendon's hip and then licks over the indentions his teeth left behind.

Brendon bends his knees and spreads his legs to give Spencer room, and Spencer pushes them further apart and then hooks them over his shoulders so that Brendon's knees are resting on either side of his head. He kisses across Brendon's thigh, along the juncture where his pelvis and his leg meet, and he's about to get down to business when Brendon pulls his right leg back and pokes Spencer in the cheek with his toe.

Spencer raises his eyebrow, and Brendon giggles. Spencer doesn't know what to do with this Brendon. The sex has always been incredible, mind blowing, but it was rarely fun or funny. Spencer didn't think sex between the two of them could possibly get any better, but he was so, so wrong, because Brendon being silly and smiling and _laughing_ in the middle of this is maybe the best thing Spencer has ever seen in his entire life.

Brendon pokes him again and Spencer says, "Behave," and then he sucks the side of Brendon's thigh into his mouth until there's a red mark.

"Fuck, fuck," Brendon says, his breath coming out harsh in the quiet of the room.

Spencer smiles, and dips his head, and licks along the length of Brendon's cock once, before he moves down, licking at Brendon's balls, moving lower still until he's licking inside Brendon wetly.

Brendon says, "Oh, fuck," and Spencer pulls away to say, "We'll get to that soon."

Spencer uses the point of his tongue to work Brendon open until Brendon is a quivering, sobbing mess on the bed.

"Please, please, please," Brendon chants over and over, and Spencer wants to give him what he wants, since he's asking so nicely. He pops the lube open and squirts it over his fingers, trailing his index finger down Brendon's leg, leaving behind a slick smear of lube.

He pushes one finger in, sudden and fast, and Brendon bucks of the bed and says, "Please, please. I don't need them, just, come on, Spencer."

Brendon is a little loose from Spencer's tongue, but they've been at the cabin for more than a month, and unless Brendon had a quickie with a random stranger at the grocery store or something, it's been a while since he's done this. Spencer wants it to be good for both of them, and honestly, he's kind of having fun drawing desperate noises out of Brendon's mouth.

"I'm having fun down here," Spencer says, working in a second finger. Brendon throws his head back, jaw clenched and eyes shut tight. It takes Spencer's breath away. Brendon's beautiful, so fucking beautiful, and just like that; it's Spencer that's desperate.

He pulls his fingers free and reaches for a condom with shaking hands, rolling it on quickly. One of Brendon's legs has fallen off Spencer's shoulder, and Spencer grabs Brendon by the ankle and pushes his leg up until it's back where Spencer wants it.

Spencer nudges the head of his cock at Brendon's opening and says, "Bren, open your eyes."

Brendon blinks his eyes open, and Spencer is braced above him, the muscles in his arms working under his skin to hold himself up. He pushes in slow, not teasing exactly, but determined not to rush, with just the head of his cock inside, and Brendon bucks his hips to try and work him in deeper.

Spencer goes slowly, though, because Brendon's pupils are huge, inky black, and it's almost like he can't see, like he's blind from what's happening between them, and Spencer wants him to know who this is. He needs him to know.

"Please, please," Brendon says, and it's just babble, just words so that Spencer will give him what he wants.

There's sweat on Spencer's forehead; a drop of it falls on Brendon's shoulder, and Spencer leans down to lick it away. Brendon uses the movement to his advantage and pushes down so that Spencer's cock sinks in a little further.

Spencer pulls back, and Brendon makes a frustrated noise. His fingers are digging so hard into Spencer's biceps that he knows he'll have raised marks to remember this by tomorrow. There are tears at the corners of his eyes, and Spencer leans in and kisses Brendon’s temple, licks up salt and tears.

”Bren,” Spencer says softly, and Brendon just bites his lip and thrashes his head and writhes underneath him.

Spencer pushes in a little bit and says again, "Brendon," then pushes a little more and says, "Bren."

Brendon's eyes clear a little and he looks at Spencer, brown eyes to blue, and he says, "Spencer," broken and raw, and Spencer leans down and kisses him and gives him what he wants.

 

Spencer wakes up alone and has a moment of panic, stumbling for the door, before he notices that the door is still locked from the inside, and that his window is open.

He wraps a sheet around his waist and climbs out the window. Brendon is sitting on the shingles, smoking a cigarette in a pair of Spencer's sweat pants. They're stupidly big on him, and Spencer doesn't think he's ever looked better.

"Since when do you smoke?" Spencer says sitting down next to him.

Brendon shrugs and says, "They were on your dresser."

Spencer says, "Yeah, I was holding them for Ryan the other day. He wears four layers and never has any pockets."

Brendon laughs a little and draws his knees up to his chest so he can lay his head on them. He looks at Spencer, takes another drag and then offers Spencer the cigarette.

It's mostly gone, but Spencer takes one last drag off of it and then flicks it between his fingers. It flies, the cherry glowing red in the dark, before it rolls the rest of the way off the roof and down to the ground. Keltie will most likely find it tomorrow and bitch Ryan out for not using an ashtray.

"Is this the part where you freak out on me?" Spencer asks.

Brendon says, voice tentative, "I'm not freaking out, exactly."

Spencer says, "But you're not sure about this, right?"

Brendon lifts his head and shakes it vehemently. "God, Spencer, no. Okay, so I'm completely and totally in love with you. Let's just get that out of the way."

Spencer stops breathing, and he really wants to breathe right now, because it would be the saddest kind of tragedy to die right now when he's just heard the words he's been waiting years to hear.

Spencer says, "Can you say that again, please."

Brendon smiles and crawls over to Spencer, kisses his mouth and then twists so that he's sitting between Spencer's legs, his back to Spencer's chest. "I love you," he says, drawing Spencer's arms around him.

Spencer sighs and kisses the side of his neck and says, "Okay, my life is complete now. You can lay the 'but' on me."

Brendon twists his head around so that he can kiss Spencer's chin and neck. "I spent a long time trying to be something I'm not, and I feel like no matter what I do I'm letting someone down."

Spencer doesn't say anything, because he knows Brendon's not done.

"I grew up being told this is wrong," Brendon says.

Spencer tenses and Brendon rubs his palm soothingly over Spencer's thigh. "It's not wrong," Brendon says. "There's no way what I feel for you is wrong."

"Then what?" Spencer asks.

"It's... I feel like I've spent my whole life letting my parents down, and I'm not beating myself up," Brendon says, cutting off Spencer's protests before he can even start. "It's not anyone's fault, but it doesn't make it less true. I strayed from their faith. I picked a life they're not overjoyed with. I don't believe in their God. In fact, I'm not sure I believe in any God, and I feel like every time I give them another piece of me, the more they feel like they've failed... or maybe, the more I feel like _I've_ failed. I'm not sure I can hurt them anymore. I don't want to hurt them anymore and this, _us_ , is going to hurt them."

Spencer hugs Brendon tighter and says, "I just want to be with you. I'm not asking for anything else."

Brendon says, "That's kind of the whole problem. You shouldn't have to."

 

Jon says, "This place sucks. Let's go home."

They're out of food, and out of weed, and Cassie and Keltie both went home the day before yesterday. If it wasn't for the massive amounts of sex and Brendon-snuggle-time Spencer's been getting, he'd probably be inclined to agree. As it is, he's kind of nervous about going home.

"Yeah," Ryan says. "I feel like my creativity is being stifled."

Brendon rolls his eyes and snorts. He's tucked against Spencer on the couch, his head on Spencer's shoulder and his breath is hot against Spencer's neck. Spencer turns and kisses his nose and Jon makes a gagging noise.

"Plus," Jon says. "You two are going to put me in a sugar coma, and then you'll be without a bass player again."

Brendon shrugs and says, "I'm pretty good on the bass. We were mostly keeping you around for your drug connections, and we've got Shane now, so whatever."

Jon throws a dirty sock at Brendon, and then they all get up and start packing their shit.

Brendon throws his bag on Spencer's bed and flops back onto the covers and various articles of clothing Spencer's got out. "So, I was thinking maybe you might want to come stay with me for a while," Brendon says.

Spencer says, "You have a roommate."

Brendon says, "He has his own room, and you'd be staying in mine."

Spencer lies down next to Brendon and buries his head in Brendon's neck. "I don't know. My mom makes really good pot roast."

Brendon says, "Yeah? You should invite me over. I'm a starving artist, you know."

"You want to come to dinner, and be my boyfriend and let me hold your hand in front of my mother?"

Spencer's heart is beating super-fast in his chest until Brendon says, easily, "That would be nice. You wanna come live with me for awhile?"

Spencer smiles so big his cheeks hurt, and he says, "Sure."

 

They write a song in their old practice space, and it's about being young and carefree. As they're piecing it together, Spencer sometimes looks over at Brendon, and wonders how far back Brendon has to go to get back to that place.

Ryan brings them a love song a few weeks later.

"Aw," Jon says. "That's sweet. We should call it _A Love Song for Keltie Colleen_."

Ryan says, "It's not interpretive. It's literally a song about the moon and the sun falling in love with each other."

Brendon says, "Suuuuure."

Ryan glares at him, and normally Spencer would mediate, but he's too busy reading Ryan's words.

"I don't know," Jon says. "It's obvious the girl is the moon here and Ryan _certainly_ isn't the sun, so I tend to believe him."

Brendon laughs, and Ryan clenches his fists and gets up, and Spencer can tell he's on the verge of a full-blown temper tantrum.

"It's just about love," Spencer says quietly. "It's a song about being in love, and how it's scary, and uncertain, and one of the hardest things in the world to let yourself fall into." Spencer's still talking quietly, and he's sure that he's making Ryan and Jon uncomfortable, but he doesn't care. He needs Brendon to know. "But," he continues. "If you can get past the fear, if you can figure it out, it can completely change your life."

Brendon blinks and then surges suddenly to his feet and walks out of the room.

Jon says, "Shouldn't you go after him?"

Spencer says, "No. It's time for him to come after me, for once."

 

Spencer goes back to his parents' instead of to Brendon's apartment, and he's not avoiding Brendon, but he's not making the first move either. He told Brendon at the cabin that he wasn't asking for anything, and it was true. It's still true.

Spencer wants everything. Spencer wants to buy a house, and get another dog that they pick out together, and go furniture shopping, and maybe adopt a couple of kids in like ten years or something. Spencer wants to walk down the strip holding Brendon's hand, and he doesn't want to have to worry about who sees, or what people will think. Spencer wants it all, but he only wants it if Brendon's willing to give it to him.

More than anything, he wants Brendon, however Brendon wants to be with him, and Spencer's already come to terms with the fact that it might mean giving up some of the other things he wants. He's okay with that, and now he just needs Brendon to be okay with it too.

Spencer leaves Jon and Ryan to write and get stoned and hang out in Ryan's backyard. He hangs out with his mother.

"Did you and Brendon have a fight?" she asks on the third day, after Spencer's willingly volunteered himself for yard work.

"Not exactly," Spencer says.

His mother pats him on the shoulder and says, "Do you feel like talking about it?"

Spencer says, "Um... We're just..." Spencer sighs and tries again. "It's mostly just about him not being sure."

"Sure about what, exactly?" his mother asks, and Spencer can hear the wary edge to her voice. He knows she's worried, and he doesn't want her to be.

"He loves me, Mom," Spencer says -- because that's true, even if they both know that doesn't always mean it's enough.

His mom doesn't say anything, and Spencer gets a sinking feeling in his gut when she focuses harder on the weeds she's pulling. "Mom?" Spencer says.

His mother sighs and says, "Can I be honest with you?"

Spencer's not sure he wants to hear this, but he also doesn't want to _not_ hear it, because his mother's always been one of his best friends, his hero, and her opinion is important to him. "Always," Spencer says.

His mother says, "Sometimes, I wish things had worked out for you and Haley. Or, that you'd find some other girl and settle down, and it's not because I hate that you're in love with a boy. It's because other people are always going to hate you for it, and I want you to be safe and loved and happy."

"I don't care what other people think. I care what you think," Spencer says.

"I think you're beautiful," she says. "I think I love you and your sisters more than anything else in this world. I think Brendon's parents are probably good people who are doing what their hearts tell them is the right thing, and I think that's what scares me most of all. That there are people in the world who are going to hate you, or at least hate how you live, and think they're justified in doing it. I understand why Brendon's scared. Sometimes I wish you were more scared, more cautious."

"Brendon's parents love him," Spencer says. "They wouldn't ever hurt him."

"Oh honey," his mother says. "We hurt the people we love all the time. I'm sure Brendon feels pretty much exactly how you feel about this whole thing. He probably doesn't give a crap what your fans, or the gossip rags, or even what _I_ think about him and his desire to be gay. But you, Jon, Ryan, his parents? You're his family. It matters what you think. It matters what they think."

"I..." Spencer swallows hard and leans over to wrap his arms quickly around his mom before he stands up and dusts the dirt off his knees. "I have to go, Mom. I'm sorry, I just... I have something I have to do."

His mom smiles at him, understanding in her eyes, and says, "Tell Brendon I said hello," before she goes back to her garden.

 

Spencer finds Brendon at their practice space, head bent over his guitar. Spencer leans in the doorway and watches him for a few minutes, marvels at the way his fingers move across the fret board, and rolls his eyes at how ridiculously hot he looks with a pick stuck between his teeth.

Brendon has a pen behind his ear, and he keeps pulling it out to jot things down on paper as he works out a melody on his guitar. Spencer stays quiet and watches him work, makes a mental note to tell him to get a haircut when he watches him shove his bangs out of his face for the tenth time.

Eventually, Brendon pulls his guitar from around his neck and looks up. His eyes are hazy with concentration, but when he sees Spencer, he immediately smiles before his expression changes to something closer to worry.

Spencer knows they have things to talk about, but he wants Brendon to know, first and foremost, that he doesn't have anything to worry about. He pushes off the wall with his shoulder, walks across the room and goes to his knees, between Brendon's legs where he's still sitting in his chair.

"Hi," Spencer says.

"I was going to call you," Brendon says. "I just had to finish something first."

Spencer nods and kisses Brendon hard on the mouth. Brendon puts his arms tentatively around Spencer's neck and Spencer pulls him off his chair, and into Spencer's lap.

Spencer attacks him with the soft press of his mouth, over and over, until Brendon relaxes and kisses him back lazily.

"I've missed you," Spencer says, and Brendon sighs against his mouth.

Brendon says, "I needed some time to think."

Spencer pulls Brendon closer. "Mm, so long as you're not thinking about leaving, we're good."

Brendon pulls back and puts his hands on either side of Spencer's face. "I'm pretty sure I don't deserve you."

Spencer smiles and says, "I'm pretty glad you haven't realized you deserve more."

"Spencer," Brendon says. Spencer leans in for another kiss, but Brendon holds his face back with his hands. "Wait, wait. I have something I want to show you and if you kiss me again, we'll get distracted."

Spencer thinks that sounds like a fantastic idea, but he can tell Brendon is serious, so he sits back and lets Brendon climb off his lap.

"It's not done yet," Brendon says, picking up his guitar and sitting back down on his chair. "I mean... I'm still working on it, but I want you to hear it."

Spencer nods and settles while Brendon puts his guitar strap over his head, and his fingers on the strings. "I lost my pick," Brendon says self consciously, and he moves his hands to his pockets, and then to his hair nervously.

There's a pick by Spencer's knee, and he picks it up, and hands it over to Brendon and smiles when the tips of their fingers touch and they both shiver. "It never gets old, does it?" Spencer asks, and he doesn’t know if he’s talking about them or the music or both, but in the end it’s pretty much the same thing.

"Behave and let me do this," Brendon says, and Spencer can hear the nerves, can see it by the sweat beading on Brendon's brow.

Brendon plucks a few strings experimentally and then he starts playing in earnest, his fingers moving sure and quick along his guitar strings. It's a pretty tune, kind of country, and Spencer smiles until Brendon opens his mouth and starts to sing. Then, Spencer's too busy listening to his voice, and his words.

Brendon makes eye contact, and doesn't look away, and Spencer thinks about their early days in his parent's garage. He thinks about all those times he wished Brendon was singing only to him, and now it's happening, and he can't breathe.

It's a simple song, beautiful and sweet, and Spencer wants Brendon to sing it again as soon as he's done. Spencer's already losing it, already forgetting important details, but, he knows he's always going to remember the end, the way Brendon's voice came out strong and sure on the final word.

Brendon shrugs and Spencer can see a blush working on his cheeks. "Brendon," Spencer says.

Brendon pulls his guitar off and leans it against the empty chair next to him. "You know me, always making up silly songs," Brendon says.

"Don't do that," Spencer says fiercely. "Don't try to make it less."

"Okay," Brendon says.

Spencer says, "Are you going to write me a drum part?"

Brendon shakes his head. "It's for you," he says. "You're just supposed to enjoy it."

"Well then," Spencer says. “Mission accomplished.”

Brendon says, "I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to tell my parents about us, and I need you to be okay with that."

"I am," Spencer says.

"I'm not sure you've really thought about what that means," Brendon says, almost whispering.

Spencer says, "I've probably thought about us more times than you'll ever know. I've thought about it, okay?"

Brendon looks up, his eyes squinted and disbelieving, and says, "We won't be able to like... be out together. No kissing, no romantic dinners, no hand holding where someone might see, or take a picture."

Spencer laughs a little and says, "We're in the gayest band ever. We all hold each other's hands all the time."

Brendon obviously won't be dissuaded because he says, "I'm serious. I need to you be sure."

Spencer says, "I am. I'm sure."

"I really want to believe that it's that easy, but I know you want things from me, things I'm not sure I can ever give you."

"I just want you," Spencer says. "However you want to be with me."

"Always," Brendon says. "I want to be with you always."

Spencer wraps his hands around Brendon's calves and pulls him off his chair again, settling him in his lap. "I'm going to buy a house," Spencer says. "You should come live with me in it. We can be roommates that secretly share a room."

Brendon says, "You're going to buy a house?"

Spencer kisses him and says, "Yep, but it won't be home unless you're there."

Brendon says, "Okay, let's go home."

 

They buy a house, but it sits empty most of the time. Mostly, they're on the road, wheels underneath them. Spencer's thankful that Brendon's small, because bus bunks weren't made for two people, and it's a tight fit.

Ryan bitches about Spencer taking too long in the bathroom, and Jon leaves his socks all over the bus. Brendon eats all the Pop Tarts, and never washes his dishes, and insists on kissing Spencer first thing in the morning before he's brushed his teeth.

They play packed shows, and Spencer drums his heart out all night, and then Jon walks up to the microphone and says, "Hey, Brendon? You wanna do your song now?"

Brendon smiles, covered in sweat and he says, "Yeah, you want to help?"

Jon says, "Only if Ryan helps too."

Ryan laughs and picks up a tambourine and shakes it enthusiastically. "I've been practicing," he says. "I'm getting really good."

Brendon smiles and turns to the audience and plays. Spencer sits behind his kit and listens, and even though Brendon never turns around, even though his attention is on the crowd of kids with their faces turned up to the light, even with all of that, Spencer knows he's only singing for him.

**Author's Note:**

> This story has a sequel that can be found [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/145717).


End file.
